A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar” The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying “That’ll be 50 cents.” The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “fuck it” and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.” The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.” Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy so he asks “Ok, where’s the owner?” The bartender replies “upstairs with my wife.” The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “the same thing I’m doing to his business”
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely and hopelessly embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
^^still not some joke I can show you again... The poor woman man asks the rich woman, "What are you getting your husband this Christmas?" The rich woman replies, "A gold Rolex and a Porsche." The poor woman asks, "Why are you getting him two gifts?" The rich one says, "Well, if he doesn't like the watch, he can drive to the store and exchange it.” The poor woman nods. Then the rich woman asks her , "So what are you getting your husband this year?" The poor woman thinks about it for a second and replies, "A new tie and and a dildo." Puzzled, the rich woman asks, "Why those two things?" The poor woman replied, "This way, if he doesn't like the tie, he can go f*ck himself.
Difference between a dirty joke and a pun. A pun is a shift of wit. Difference between a joke and a pun? A pun is P U -.