Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn.
The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad."
This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming. The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said. "Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari. "Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"

 

It wouldn't, it's an acquired taste. Rather like Youngs Bitter, another excellent London beer that takes a while to get to know but is well worth the effort. Of course there are some chaps up north who prefer the horse urine known as Websters or John Smiths, and one can only pity them. If you want a really good beer that's from neither of these parts, Brains, brewed in Wales, is the bees knees and probably more accessible to a drinker from across the Atlantic. It's not unlike Killian's Red, a thoroughly decent brew from across the Big Pond.

OK, back to the jokes!

 

On the Internet, nobody knows you can't pronounce French.

 

This thread has caused a massive sell-off

 

Well how about that, someone actually does have him in a can

 

Any of you lads old enough to get this?

 

Ralph DID it. Finally! After all those threats.

 

My how times have changed.

 

Q. What is the difference between stabbing a man and stabbing a hog?

A. One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

 

Do you know which fruit is most responsible for the over population of the world?





Green pears!

 

Irish Divorce


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddyin a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.“What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wifetelling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.I get home... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, nakedwith Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!”“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There issomething very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately andfind out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


“Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation… She never gotyour email!”

 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. Startled, she gives a little shriek & stomps it flat. Then, she looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

 

Subject: A Man's Thoughts






The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movielast night,
and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay"as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I gotdownstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's servesbreakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair lastnight, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, Imasturbated while thinking about my sister." “That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

Every year Simon entered the state lottery hoping to win. He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums.

He bet on 77 as he thought God had given him a clue. He lost again. The winning number was 707.

Moral of the story:

Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.

 

Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt....



Was a waist of time

 

I got a Rolex Submariner for my wife, best trade I ever made! BA-DUM-TIZZ!