George had just finished his round of golf and was sitting in the 19th hole having a refreshment. His face was all bruised and his voice was very hoarse. John came over and asked what happened. George said they were playing the fifteenth hole behind a group of women. Now, the fifteenth hole runs along a dairy cow pasture. George continued that one of the ladies had hit her drive into the pasture and they had signaled his group to play through. As he was walking along the fence line he noticed a cow acting very funny. He walked over to it and noticed that something was in under it's tail. He lifted up the cows tail and noticed a golf stuck in there. He yelled to lady that was looking for her ball and as he held up the cows tail said "Hey lady, does this one look like yours?" She then proceeded to beat me around the head with her 4 iron.
My cat ate a ball of wool...…. the vet said don't worry and she was right.... the cat just had mittens !!!!!!
A Pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel around his cock. The bartender notices this and says "Hey, isn't it hard having that ships wheel on your cock? The Pirate says "Aaargh, it drives me nuts"
I went to the library and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, 'yeah and little heads'.
I was in the library the other day, took down a book and found a trouser hem between the pages, well I thought that's a turn-up for the books...
I went into the Library the other day and saw a chicken saying '.book...book ….. book.....'' to the librarian.. It carried the book round the corner in its beak and dropped it in front of a large frog.... But the frog just said ''Read it'' ''Read it'' …….''Read it''
A guy with bad hair walks up to a bank teller and asks for all the money. She says no and presses the button. The guy then goes to the next teller and repeats the instructions. That teller says no and on and on. When the police arrive the bad hair guy is still trying his best and not succeeding. The cops start to arrest him and he complains that they can't arrest him because he never got what he wanted. Not much of a joke but I think it's on us.
Did you hear the one about the comic who stared as the Ukrainian president in a TV sitcom …. and then got elected as the real president.....…..So sorry just realised that is not a joke.... it is the news today :0) I did hear one about a circus entertainer who went on to get elected.... imagine having a clown for a president … but apparently that is also more common than people realise:0)
I suspect both. Each would be plotting how to kill the other while they sipped away at their soy lattes.
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing? ‘Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly,it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Subject: Fwd: Murder at Costco Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000. The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this....) "ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco
A man takes his wife to the doctor, because something is not quite right. The doctor examines her, and the calls the husband in, asking the wife to go sit in the waiting room. The husband says, "Doc, what is it?" The doctor says, "It's a difficult diagnosis - either Alzheimer's, or AIDS." The has and says, "How can we determine which it is?" The doctor says, "There is no definitive test. But my advice is this: on your way home, drop your wife about a block from the house; if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each otherThe Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The rabbi pulled out an apple.With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.''And then what?' asked a woman.'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'