Teacher: What is your goal in life?

Student : I want to become the first human to put my foot on the surface of the Sun

Teacher: But if you do that you'll get burned

Student : I will go at night

 

The Apollo cover up...….

 

Here,s a funny one.......

Larson has asked people not to use Far Side cartoons on the internet, writing a widely distributed letter in which he explains the "emotional cost" to him of people displaying his cartoons on their websites and asks them to stop doing so

 

I hear you.... I guess than kinda kills the joke but it is a good 'punch line'...… taken from the public domain / not for commercial and for educational use only blah blah...….Article 13 ….. are you one of them?
Maybe just drop me an email next time.

 

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young man they believed to be a blasphemer. They were preparing to stone him to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young man, scoring a direct hit on his head. The unfortunate young man collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

 

How the Irish pour a shot.

 

Japanese fake floor prank a classic

 

everytime that happens to me I seem to be wearing a vintage non-waterproof watch. I can’t stand it.

 

Stolen from @pongster (made me laugh) - felt it deserved to be in this thread....

Correspondence between a shiek and his son attending university -

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad

 

Boeing introduces new plane. Is this the answer.

 

Boeing lawyers insist on simplified design to avoid lawsuits.....

 

I don't like Russian dolls, they're a bit full of themselves.

 

There has been a lot of cars stolen / broken into at a local multi-story car park. The police chiefs statement said...... it was wrong on SOooo many levels :0)

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BwJUf_xniJa/?utm_source=ig_web_options_share_sheet

 

I took a baby Hippocampus to the vets because it made no noise ... but she said dont worry - it is just a little horse...………..:0)

 

Nearly forty years ago..... ''I believe that Pigs and even DC-10's can fly.... but I cant believe Ronald Regan is president''..... Dodgy jets and unbelievable presidents.... We have come a long way since those crazy old days :0)

 

Has anyone tried those new Wookie steaks, they're nice but a bit chewie.

 

An old Tommy Cooper one here. Statistics show that one in four people in the world are Chinese. Its not my mammy, its not my daddy, its not myself so it must be my brother, won jon jo.

 

In the UK a curry called Tarka Chicken Madras is very popular.... It is like Chicken Madras but a bit Otter :0)

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him.

She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied,

"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"