The difference between humour and a bad smell? Humour is a shift of wit!

 

Polar Vortex tip

 

I'm Italian and I know the correct pronounce of "mascarpone" but ...

 

Hey, who masked that pony???

 

That joke has now officially got laminitis.

 

Ok, I now understand that you don't know the correct pronounce of "mascarpone"

 

I think I do, and I think it's time to stop flogging a dead horse!

 

I was talkin' to Col (@nonuffinkbloke) this mornin' over a pint down at the Durdle Door Inn.

Told me his Peruvian bride went to Aldi to buy new linen for the bed as they had a great special on.

On arriving home he asked her how she got on...

"I've got the sheets!"

"What about?"

 

When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters
P N E I S
and for the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

 

As much as I try, I just don't get English humor....

 

Funny thing about that Jim is that it aint to too far from the truth. I think I need to adjust my use of English around her. She's picking up the wrong words mate.
She's been feeling a bit rough today and I just asked her if she would like me to order a chicken curry.

She said "Gracios Amor! Eeez very nice of you, but I theeenk maybeeez eet give me dee big trouble down in dee Harssee-Hole!"

 

Well I'm Half Irish and Half Scottish... but over here in these islands we are partial to a bit of 'piss taking'. It's got us through 2 World Wars!

 

Having some winter fun with your friend's car:

 

Batman got married.

 

I just finished my OCD awareness course for the 17th time.

 

Sounds like the guy who wanted to engage me in fisticuffs over his road rage. He told me I might benefit from an anger management course he had taken four times. I told him maybe he should take it again, even though I doubted he’d pass. Boy was he pi$$ed!

 

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I am afraid they will confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous Instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.."

Roaring with laughter, the official said,

"Go ahead, Father. Next Pls..."