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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Jan 22, 2019

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    How do you determine how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

    Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
     
    MMMD, ConElPueblo, PEIslander and 6 others like this.
  2. time flies Jan 22, 2019

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    I got it.

    You're having fun.
    kfw
     
  3. wsfarrell Jan 22, 2019

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    Strumming my pain with his fingers,
    Singing my life with his words,

    grilling_me_softly.jpg
     
    Edward53, haqq777, Paedipod and 3 others like this.
  4. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jan 22, 2019

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    A woman came home, screeched her car to a stop in the driveway, flung open the door and and ran into the house shouting to her husband, “John, quick - pack your bags. I just won the lottery!!”


    “Holy crap!” said her husband, visions of a celebratory getaway running through his head, “What should I pack?”


    “'Doesn't matter,” she replied, “Just get the ::censored:: out of here!!”
     
    GeorgeBailey2, MMMD, slique12 and 5 others like this.
  5. RI Omega Fan Jan 22, 2019

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    A snail was attacked by a gang of turtles.

    When questioned later by the police as to what happened, the snail replied,

    “I don’t know. It all happened so fast!”
     
  6. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Jan 23, 2019

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  7. Canuck Jan 23, 2019

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    One less Land Rover. That can only be a good thing!
     
  8. Wryfox Jan 23, 2019

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    To the guy who stole all my anti-depressants....I hope you're happy now.
     
  9. Wryfox Jan 23, 2019

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    My doctor says to me.."you're a hypochondriac".

    I said.."jeez, not that too!"
     
    MMMD, Buck2466, Joe_A and 3 others like this.
  10. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Jan 26, 2019

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    Did you hear about the Aussie monkeys who shared an Amazon account?


    They were Prime mates.

    ::rimshot::
     
    Edited Jan 26, 2019
  11. STANDY schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collector Jan 26, 2019

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    Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

    The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

    When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."
     
  12. wsfarrell Jan 27, 2019

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  13. mblease Jan 28, 2019

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    I doodled this today.

    Thinking that the combined brains of OF members could come up with a pretty good caption!

    Suggestions below please!
     
    Moonwatch.JPG
  14. Barabus Jan 28, 2019

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    Stop Dave, stop Dave........
     
    Darlinboy, Foo2rama and mblease like this.
  15. w154 Jan 28, 2019

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    Right... every action has an equal and opposite reaction so if I just do a huge fart... pffffffffffft... oh crap, I forgot I’m wearing a spacesuit... aargh ::puke::
     
    mblease likes this.
  16. eugeneandresson 'I used a hammer, a chisel, and my fingers' Jan 28, 2019

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    'grab that speedy before its gone' ?
     
    mblease likes this.
  17. jimmyd13 Jan 28, 2019

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    Realising his mistakes, and with his air supply quickly diminishing due to the lack of gloves, Geoff still decided to chase his errant Speedmaster despite the lack of a tether. Thus becoming the first, and shortest lived, honorary OF member.
     
    haqq777, kkt, blufinz52 and 2 others like this.
  18. mblease Jan 28, 2019

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    Never trust a Nato
     
    kkt, Waltesefalcon and vbrad26 like this.
  19. mblease Jan 28, 2019

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    Hahahah
     
  20. smitty190373 Jan 28, 2019

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    "Buzz is going to be stoked when I tell him I've found it........"
     
    kkt, Inpw, blufinz52 and 3 others like this.