Forums Latest Members

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. M'Bob Dec 6, 2018

    Posts
    6,344
    Likes
    17,955
    image.jpeg
     
    Edward53 likes this.
  2. Buck2466 Dec 6, 2018

    Posts
    1,174
    Likes
    7,584
    On a serious note...

    I want everyone to say a prayer for me today and wish me luck.
    I have to talk to the bank today and if all goes well, we are talking thousands of dollars here.
    I cannot wait to be free of debt!
    I'm so excited I can barely get my ski mask over my head.
     
  3. nonono Dec 6, 2018

    Posts
    290
    Likes
    1,052
    Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
    The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
    Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
    Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
    Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
    Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
    Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
    Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
    Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper
    Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
    Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
     
  4. M'Bob Dec 7, 2018

    Posts
    6,344
    Likes
    17,955
    Dennis Weaver gets invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion. He gets drunk, says something inappropriate to one of the Bunnies, and Hefner starts beating the crap out of him. Just then, Mick Jagger walks in, and says, "Hey, Hugh, get off McCloud."
     
  5. madjestikmoose Can’t bat, can’t bowl Dec 7, 2018

    Posts
    832
    Likes
    1,498
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    - I don't know. Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To get to the idiot's house.

    Knock-knock
    - Who's there?
    The chicken
     
  6. Canuck Dec 11, 2018

    Posts
    13,376
    Likes
    37,535
    Donating Blood in Scotland


    A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.


    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

    The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

    The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

    To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".
     
  7. Mouse_at_Large still immune to Speedmaster attraction Dec 13, 2018

    Posts
    2,015
    Likes
    5,247
    Longbow, Wivac, haqq777 and 8 others like this.
  8. wsfarrell Dec 14, 2018

    Posts
    2,440
    Likes
    4,129
    Hope College mathematician Tim Pennings noticed that his Welsh corgi, Elvis, seemed to follow the optimal path when chasing a ball thrown into Lake Michigan — Elvis seemed to realize that he ran faster than he swam, and so could minimize his retrieval time by racing intelligently along the beach before jumping into the water. But how did he make these judgments?

    “I confess that although he made good choices, Elvis does not know calculus,” Pennings wrote. “In fact, he has trouble differentiating even simple polynomials.”
     
  9. nonuffinkbloke #1 Nigel Mansell Fan Dec 18, 2018

    Posts
    2,145
    Likes
    5,379
    A bloke with a pit bull is trying to get into a restaurant:

    Restaurant manager: "Sorry sir! No Dogs allowed!":mad:

    Bloke with pit bull: (pretends to be blind and quickly puts on sun glasses) "but I'm blind!.... and he's my guide dog!"::shy::

    Restaurant manager: "Sir! Guide dogs are usually Labradors!":mad:

    Bloke with pit bull and sun glasses: "Aye??? Labradors???...::confused2::....SO WHAT HAVE THEY GIVEN ME?::shy::
     
    Longbow and Darlinboy like this.
  10. nonono Dec 18, 2018

    Posts
    290
    Likes
    1,052
    Here's one u can tell your friends to piss em off:

    If sex between 3 people is called a threesome, and sex between 4 people is called a foursome, i now understand why people call you handsome!
     
    nonuffinkbloke and Paedipod like this.
  11. Wryfox Dec 20, 2018

    Posts
    2,607
    Likes
    11,185
    Moses and Jesus are playing golf.

    Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot, 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

    Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees. Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours down, and a stream rises among the trees. The golf ball, floating on top, finds its way into the mouth of a fish. Then a bird flies down and takes the fish and the ball out over the green, and drops it in the cup for a hole-in-one.

    Jesus turns to Moses with a satisfied grin, and Moses says, "Look, you wanna play golf...or are you just gonna screw around?'
     
    Edited Jan 3, 2019
    CdnWatchDoc, Paedipod and L Tigre like this.
  12. haqq777 Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    400
    Likes
    1,398
    [​IMG]
     
  13. hugo2703 Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    271
    Likes
    1,165
    What’s the difference between an extrovert and an introvert coder?

    He’s looking at YOUR shoes
     
    Paedipod, Darlinboy and L Tigre like this.
  14. L Tigre Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    25
    Likes
    132
    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No-eye deer.
     
  15. Hitman Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    36
    Likes
    67
    So an EMT paramedic comes to the aid of a young yuppie who was thrown out of his car in a terrible crash. As the paramedic arrives at the victims side he hears him crying out "my BMW, my BMW. How is my BMW?"

    Surprised by his crash victims concern, the paramedic responds "buddy you've go more important things to be concerned about. You've lost your left arm!".

    To which, the yuppie changes his cry to "My Rolex, my Rolex, I've lost my Rolex."
     
    KingCrouchy, nonono, Wryfox and 3 others like this.
  16. Archer Omega Qualified Watchmaker Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    26,343
    Likes
    65,049
    I've seen this joke with pretty much any high end car make you can think of, but the watch is always a Rolex...
     
    nonono, akshayluc420, kkt and 2 others like this.
  17. Mouse_at_Large still immune to Speedmaster attraction Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    2,015
    Likes
    5,247
    What do you call a dear with no eyes or legs?

    Still no-eye deer.

    And a couple of my favourites

    What do you call a fly without wings?

    A walk

    What do you call fish without eyes?

    Fsh
     
    Edward53, Darlinboy and bubba48 like this.
  18. Canuck Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    13,376
    Likes
    37,535
    What do you call a female Mexican midget? Consuelo.

    What do you say when a tiny fortune teller goes missing? Small medium at large.
     
    Duracuir1, CdnWatchDoc and Pun like this.
  19. Hitman Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    36
    Likes
    67
    Oh yeah I know what you mean. I first heard this joke in the late 80s myself and watch has remained the same even today.
     
  20. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Dec 21, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar.


    Asked the bartender, “Why so tense?”
     
    nonono, CdnWatchDoc and haqq777 like this.