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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. bubba48 Sep 10, 2018

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    Tony and Joe are right; I'm still alive :p:p
     
  2. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Sep 14, 2018

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    I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.

    I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
     
    flw, GuiltyBoomerang, Longbow and 7 others like this.
  3. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Sep 14, 2018

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    sjg22, kkt, Mcvictory and 5 others like this.
  4. GuiltyBoomerang Sep 14, 2018

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    In a farm there are two cows.

    One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
    The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"

    Have a great weekend all ::popcorn::
     
  5. michael22 Sep 14, 2018

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  6. MikiJ Likes songs about Purple spices Sep 14, 2018

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    A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”
    The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grayhaired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
    “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”
    The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
    “You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
    Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
     
  7. Wivac Terribly special Sep 14, 2018

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    News comes in that Russel Crowes ex-wife has has vanished in a remote jungle, presumed eaten by the resident cannibal.

    He was Gladiator






    #getscoat.
     
    ConElPueblo likes this.
  8. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 16, 2018

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    Kids at an elementary school were learning about the various types of meats by trying one each day.

    During Friday's lunch the teacher brought in some venison.

    None of the children were able to guess what kind of meat it was, so the teacher gave them a hint, saying, "It sounds like something your mommy might call your daddy."

    Suddenly, Sally stood up with her hand on her mouth and, gagging, screamed ""DON'T EAT IT - IT'S ASSHOLE!!!"
     
    Longbow, Mouse_at_Large and Archer like this.
  9. Edward53 Sep 16, 2018

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    In a field there are two cows.
    One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
    The other cow says "I KNEW you were going to say that!!"
     
    Darlinboy likes this.
  10. Edward53 Sep 16, 2018

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    In a farm there are two cows.
    One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
    The other cow says "Hey that's my line!"
    The first cow says, "F****** Hell, a talking cow!"
     
    flw and Darlinboy like this.
  11. staristheanswer Sep 21, 2018

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    This should happen in a perfect world. 16266250_984230428379786_2989471604603728146_n.jpg
     
    kkt, bubba48, DWash and 1 other person like this.
  12. time flies Sep 25, 2018

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    My neighbor is security conscious. He just just came home with two new dogs. He calls them Rolex and Timex....they're watch dogs.

    have fun
    kfw
     
  13. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 28, 2018

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    Did you hear about the hungry clock?
    It went back four seconds.

    What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
    A waist of time.

    What time was it when the monster devoured Theresa May?
    Eight P.M.

    What kind of bugs live in clocks?
    Ticks!

    What farm animal keeps the best time?
    A watch dog!

    At what time do most people go to the dentist?
    2:30
    (you’ll get it eventually)
     
    Longbow, Pun and kkt like this.
  14. M'Bob Sep 28, 2018

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    In the spirit of reliving jokes we heard in grade-school: what's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
     
    Darlinboy and kkt like this.
  15. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 28, 2018

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    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

    The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

    ::rimshot::
     
  16. rob#1 Sep 29, 2018

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    Diver’s watch...joke starts from 4m03s in til about 5m15s
     
  17. Edward53 Sep 29, 2018

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    What's green and has wheels?

    Grass. I lied about the wheels.
     
    Wivac likes this.
  18. Alpha Kilt Owner, Beagle Parent, Omega Collector Sep 29, 2018

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    I just bought a Speedmaster :D
     
  19. Calstock Sep 29, 2018

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    Doctor I'm in pain, please, please help !

    Calm down, just tell me where it hurts.

    It hurts when I touch my elbow. It hurts when I touch my knee. It hurts when I touch my head and it hurts when I touch my chest.

    Doctor - That's easy, you've got a broken finger !
     
    superfly, Edward53 and Darlinboy like this.
  20. Calstock Sep 29, 2018

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    Patient: Doctor, some times I feel like a Teepee, sometimes I feel like a Wigwam.

    Doctor: The trouble with you is you're two tents.
     
    superfly, kkt and Darlinboy like this.