I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said,“It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it...................................but you don’t get offers like that every day.
Sanitized to remove offence through race, religion or colour. I've used a Pommie as they can take a joke as well as any Aussie. A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids, what do they need at home? 1st kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful. Every family should have a computer" 2nd kid says "We really need a new lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying that's an excellent choice. Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything." The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Pommie, I remember Dad saying, "Well, that's the last f**king thing we need."
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed. Later that night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad was gone. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then his face lit up and thought to himself... "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is a load of crap"
Back in the day we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs & Bob Hope............... Now we've got no cash, no jobs and no hope............................
OK, here's another one that's not exactly a joke, but plenty funny, and only made possible by social media and the internet:
On our local news this morning, a lady "Cannonball" was interviewed. She performs three shows a day at our Cagary Stampede midway. It reminded me of the joke about the human cannonball who lost his job. Management decided they needed a man of higher calibre!
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way. The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
A bloke walks into a shop and puts his penis on the counter. The lady assistant says "I'm sorry sir you have misread our sign, this is a clock shop not a cock shop" The bloke replies "well put two hands on it then" I'll get my coat
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. Until I looked in the garage and all the signs were there. I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised. One repressive dictator said to another... "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize." .
A woman's husband has a problem with E D. She goes into the drug store and asks the male pharmacist for a recommendation. He suggest Viagra. She asks it can be gotten across the counter. He says, "yes, if I take two"!
This is somewhat of a truism, @JimInOz. I fly with quite a few former military fighter pilots at Delta...and they like to let you know about it. Many (if not most of them) are OK dudes...but there are a few. Since I'm a former military rotor head (helicopter pilot)...I'm often viewed as a 'bastard child' so-to-speak. Fine by me...I'm just glad to be at Delta.
Three kids learning about disease in a class get asked to put contagious into a sentence First kid says, I had chicken pox and mum said it was contagious and I couldn't come to school Good Peter Second kid says. My little brother has the flu and it could be contagious so I have to stay away from him Good Mary Little johnny said the bloke next door was trying to dig up a stump on the weekend and my dad said it was going to take the c*ntages to do it
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a good looking girl and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late. "Oh, no!" he replies, "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch, and I was just about to test it." " "What does it do?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." "Ha! Well it must be broken then because I am!" "Damn! This thing must be an hour fast." ~ I'll get my coat ~