One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.

Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach? "Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies.

Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

 

Q. If Elvis were alive today, what would he be doing?

A. (Makes frantic movements of scratching at coffin lid.)

 

Calling beets and potatoes "fruit" is fairly misleading, too...

 

I know, right?

The second part of the story is where Johnny corrects the teacher's mis-labeling and misconceptions of fruit.

I had to leave it out, since it was not appropriate for prime-time OF-family reading ...

 

Heard a name on the radio today that I hadn’t heard for a long time. In the early 1960s two young English women, Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice Davies were were scandalously involved in a number of widely publicized relationships with prominent men, including a parliamentarian, one John Profumo. Today, I read that Mandy Rice Davies died of cancer in 2014, at age 70. That surprised me, because at the height of all the scandal, I heard that Mandy’s body had been discovered, bobbing up and down under a peer. (sic)

 

I once heard about a constipated mathematician that worked it out with a pencil

 

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.


I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to

get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you

in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you

knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve

been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more

than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that

that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live

with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive

me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.


Regards,

Richard



Neighbour’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot

Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff

drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and

discovered a second text message from Richard.



Second text message:


Hi, Fred.

Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct

had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death

of us all.


Regards,

Richard

 

• Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

• Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

• Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice.

• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse-kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

• When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.

• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

• In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris can taste lies.

 

This one made my day.Thanks

 

Jim Croce has been quoted saying that,"Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown" was actually about Chuck Norris.

 

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

 

My Grandmother told me that my generation is too reliant on technology.

I told her "No, yours is" and I pulled the plug.

 

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices that they are copying copies rather than the original so he asks the Head monk "how do we know these are still right after all these years of copying copies?"

The head monk thinks on this and heads down to the cellar to look for the original.

He is gone a long time so the junior monk goes down to look for him and hears sobbing.

He finds the old monk in the back corner slumped over, so he asks what's wrong?

With tears in his eyes, the old monk says..."The word is celebrate, not celibate!"

 

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank

 

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other one and says 'how the hell do you drive this thing??? '

 

Little Jimmy and Bobby lived in a bad neighborhood. They would watch men go to the door across the street and give a rather unattractive woman $20 and go inside. Little Jimmy and Bobby got very curious. Jimmy asked Bobby “you have any money?” Bobby handed over a nickel. Little Jimmy scampered across the street and knocked on the unattractive ladies door. She answered with a smoke in her mouth and a haggarded look, “whadda ya want kid?” Little Jimmy asked “I have 5 cents, what can I get?” The unpleasant unattractive lady grabbed Little Jimmy by the back of his head and rubbed his face in her unattractive smelly private area.
Little Jimmy went back across the street to the highly excited Bobby. Bobby exclaimed “what did you get Jimmy?”
Little Jimmy burst out crying hysterically, “I don’t know, but I don’t want $20 worth!”

 

A recent occurrence on a passenger airplane. A stuffy, outspoken woman found herself seated to a rather unkempt and sloppily dressed elderly male. She made a great fuss as she demanded she be moved to another seat. The hostess outlined that economy was full, and there were no alternate seats available. The hostess said she would speak to the captain to see what could be done to accommodate her. In a few minutes, she returned, and told the lady there was an extra seat in business class. Can you guess who got that seat?

 

Staristheanswer?

 

If I said some of these jokes were offensive, would the PC Police delete this thread?

 

Don't you mean cancel it and all the re-runs?