Reason number 98 not to use iPad to post on forums.

 

Ah. In that case, I am sure Apple will soon convince a vast number of people that 'conceded' is a perfectly acceptable substitution for 'conceited', and then Webster will add the new meaning formally

So you, sir, were likely correct, but just 6 months ahead of time

 

Wife comes back from work.
Her husband sees her and asked:

Husband:You were at work with a dress?

Wife:Yes,why?

Husband:Are you kidding me?And you were gathering oranges from the trees?

Wife :Yes!!

Husband:And Your boss was under and keeping the ladder?

Wife:Yes!!

Husband:He was f****ing watching your underwear.

Wife:You think I am that stupid?I had none.

 

Man: Hey Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story..."There once was a Hunter who always carried a Gun wherever he went. One day he took his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a gun, and shot the Lion, and it died!"

Man: Nonsense! Someone must have shot the lion!

Doctor: Good. You understand the story.

 

A drunk man runs up to a nun in the street and punches her in the face. As she lies on the ground sobbing, he stands over her and sneers "Not so tough now are you, Batman!"

 

.

 

I get up from the bed and I make sounds...
"crack" my hands...
"crack" my legs...
"crack" my back...
Either I am not worked out either I'm a transformer!!

 

Thanks. My third-grader will get a lot of mileage out of that one.

 

No problem.

 

Speaking of transformers...

One day, a Decepticon walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch Minicon and a tiny grand piano out of his pocket. The little minicon starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this. Another Decepticon walks over to the first one and asks him where he got that little minicon and piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."

The second Decepticon immediately ran out to the genie. A few minutes later he comes back in with dozens of ducks waddling around him.

The first Decepticon asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The first Decepticon says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch Minicon do you?"

 

A Termite walks into the bar and asks...


....


....


....


"Is the bar tender here?"

#getscoat.

 

How I learned to see my own business.

Passing near a mental health institution and the patients were in the yard and shouting
Thirteen,Thirteen,Thirteen.
I got curios and was trying to see what was happening but the walls were too high but
I saw a hole somewhere on the wall and got near and put my eye to see and one of the patients poked me
with a stick in the eye.
After that they all started to shout:
Fourteen,Fourteen,Fourteen.

 

Why shouldn't you wear Ukrainian underpants?

...


...


...


Chernobyl fallout.

 

I guess that anytime you have to explain a “joke”, it isn’t funny!

 

Yer knob will fallout?

 

Dr Watson: Holmes! How the devil did you solve that last case?

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary dear Watson... elementary! Here... I'll show you! Watson, drop your trousers and pants and bend over the desk!

Dr Watson: Ye gads Holmes! Why am I bent over this desk?... and why are you applying lemon curd to my person?

Sherlock Holmes: 'Lemon entry' dear Watson.. lemon entry!

(Tastefully edited version)

 

Hublot.