I think I saw Micheal J Fox in my local garden centre, it was a bit hard to tell as he had his back to the fuchsias Sorry......
2 top surgeons bump into each other at the hospital, the first says, "I had a vision this morning, God came to me & said i was the best surgeon in the world, my skills are one of a kind, and nobody else even comes close" The 2nd surgeon replies, "What? I don't remember talking to you this morning..."
An athletic guy is lounging by the Olympic sized pool at an exclusive resort. A gorgeous woman asks him if the seat next to him is taken. She joins him. They talk about everything and nothing. He tells her he was a medal holder in Olympic diving. The pool has an Olympic style diving board, so he offers to display his talents. Up to the top he goes and does a magnificent dive into the water, with little splash. He returns to her, and she tells him to watch what she can do. She goes to one end of the pool and swims to the other at Olympic speed. She returns to him. He asks her where she learned to swim like that. She says, "I was a hooker when I lived in Venice, and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."
Riddler said to Batman "There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes but no matches . How did they smoke them" They threw one cigarette overboard making the boat a cigarette lighter.
guy walking his scruffy down beat old heal hound pops into a bar to have a drink, says to the barman "my dogs got no nose" Barman "how does he smell"? Dog walker "Awful"
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Carol and Joan are two, middle-aged women shopping at the local mall. "Look," says Carol to Joan. "There goes your husband coming out of the flower shop with a big bouquet of flowers for you!" Joan frowns. "What's wrong," says Carol. "It's such a nice gesture." "Except that it means I have to be on my back all night with my legs in the air," responds Joan. Carol says, "Don't you have a vase?"
As an Australian I thought I'd post one related to my country of birth: A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?' 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'
I was driving in a country lane the other day when a hare ran out in front of me. There wasn't time to stop and I got out to find it lying dead in front of the car. You can imagine how upset I was, but then another car stopped, the driver got out and asked if he could help. I told him what happened and he said "I'm a vet, leave this to me". He took a syringe out of his bag and injected something into the seemingly dead hare. After a few seconds it started twitching and jerking, it got up unsteadily, then it took a few shaky steps and finally ran away looking unharmed. "That's unbelievable!" I said. "What was in that syringe?" "Ah", the vet said, "that was.... ......hare restorer!"
A man walks into a chip shop with a mackerel under his arm. Do you sell fishcakes he asks. Yes says the girl behind the counter. Good, says the man, it's his birthday tomorrow.
A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each. The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.” Whoosh, and so it was. The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.” Bang, there was a wall around England. The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.” The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.” The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”