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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. FullyWound Hasn't discovered decaf yet. Mar 15, 2017

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    Bear walks into a bar,

    He says "i'll have a ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. . . Drambuie please"

    Bartender says "Why the big Paws!"
    ...
    ..
    .
    Bear retorts "Well sir! you have such a fine establishment and such a plethora of alcoholic beverages, Such an eclectic mix you see i was really taken aback for choice and had to ponder a thought as to what to proceed with"

    ..

    . *muffled* yu fruking ber wlks into a ba.r ya fruking prik joke...
     
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  2. ahartfie The black sheep in the Spee-ee-eee-eedmaster flock Mar 15, 2017

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    You left out the second half!

    Of course, Quasimodo is still in need of an assistant, so he hires another man, who just happens to be the dead man's brother. ("Don't worry," says the brother, "I"m the smart one.") Quasimodo takes the man up to the tower and explains: "First you take the rope and pull it way, way back, as far as you can, and then you let it go. But remember to jump out of the way as quickly as possible, or else you will be knocked out of the tower to your death." The new assistant says, "Okay, piece of cake," and takes the rope. He pulls it way, way back, as far as he can, and lets go. Quasimodo shouts, "Get out of the way! Get out of the way!" But it's too late, the bell swings back and knocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestones below. Quasimodo rushes down the stairs frantically and gets to the square, where he sees a crowd gathered around the body. Overcome with grief, the hunchback sits down and sobs. "Quasimodo," asks someone in the crowd, "did you know this man?" "No," says Quasimodo, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
     
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  3. alam Mar 19, 2017

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    we'll (nor she) never see the end of server jokes ...

    :)
     
    IMG_0950.JPG
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  4. nonuffinkbloke #1 Nigel Mansell Fan Mar 20, 2017

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    The dyslexic, agnostic was wondering... "Does Dog really exist???"
     
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  5. Patent guy Mar 20, 2017

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    Or...did you hear about the Dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
     
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  6. Tony C. Ωf Jury member Mar 20, 2017

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    [​IMG]
     
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  7. CrisROSE Mar 20, 2017

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    Did you hear about the magic Tractor?




    It drove down the lane and turned into a field.
     
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  8. Edward53 Mar 20, 2017

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    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.
     
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  9. FREDMAYCOIN Mar 20, 2017

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    My favorite is about a guy with a new very high tech watch.
    He is in a bar when a an attractive woman comes over to him and says
    "I see you have been looking at your watch a lot did your date stand you up?"
    He replies "No this is a very high tech watch that includes a temporal brain wave analyzer. It receives brain waves and according to it you do not have on any underwear"
    Says she "Well among your other problems I am fully clothed even underneath"
    The guys gives the watch a shake and says "Damn thing still has a minor bug, its 15 minutes fast!!"
     
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  10. Mouse_at_Large still immune to Speedmaster attraction Mar 20, 2017

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    What's yellow and spongy?

    A sponge

    What's white and comes in pints?

    Milk.

    What's grey and comes in pints?

    An elephant.

    What do you call a deer without eyes?

    No idea.

    What do you call a deer without eyes and legs?

    Still no idea.

    What do you call a deer without eyes, legs and genitals?

    Still no f*cking idea.

    What do you call fish without eyes?

    Fsh.

    What do you call a bear without a paw?

    Yogi the bastard.

    What do you call a fly without wings?

    A walk.

    I'll stop now ::bleh::
     
    Edited Mar 20, 2017
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  11. alam Mar 20, 2017

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    the theory why some poor dead horses keep getting flogged....

    please let them go :)
     
    dhtheory.JPG
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  12. j.allen Mar 20, 2017

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    This gets me.
    trump.jpg
     
  13. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Mar 20, 2017

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    Repost from 2015.

    Don't you check all of the 475 posts before you hit the keyboard?

    ;)

    Screen Shot 2017-03-21 at 3.19.53 PM.png
     
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  14. Tony C. Ωf Jury member Mar 21, 2017

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    [​IMG]
     
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  15. Mouse_at_Large still immune to Speedmaster attraction Mar 24, 2017

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    A man buys a parrot. He takes it home.

    Turns out the parrot was formally owed by a sailor, and is as loud and foul mounthed as they come. Any attempt to approach or calm the parrot down ends in a stream of terrible swearing and abusive language.

    Finally the owner snaps - he grabs the bird, shoves it in the freezer, and slams the door. There is instant silence....and the owner, worried he has harmed the bird, opens the freezer door.

    The parrot quietly steps onto his hand and says: "Dear Sir - I am deeply sorry for any offence I may have caused, and I promise forthwith to mend my foolish ways. I am indeed now a Reformed Parrot, and you will hear no foul language from me from this day forth."

    The owner is amazed. He is about to ask why this sudden sea change, when the parrot adds, sotto voce: "May I ask what the chicken did to offend you?"
     
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  16. aap Mar 26, 2017

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    I got this message from a local watch dealer

    FullSizeRender.jpg
     
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  17. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Mar 26, 2017

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    There's just so much wrong here it has to be funny.

    DHQ.jpg
     
  18. Canuck Mar 26, 2017

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    Superman



    One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so

    he decided to drop in on Batman.
    "Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."

    "Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it.

    Can't fight crime without it, you know."
    Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.

    "Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
    "Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without

    it, you know."
    Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on

    Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony,

    stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea.

    "Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always

    wondered what sort of s_ _ _ w she'd be'.

    So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
    What the hell was that!", cried Wonder Woman.
    "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.
     
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  19. Canuck Mar 27, 2017

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    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however,your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."The man groans, but the doctor goes on."You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technologyto build a new penis. They work great but they don't comecheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."The man perks up."So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.But understand that you have been married for over thirty yearsand this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had afive incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a fiveincher now, she might be disappointed.It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?""Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite counter tops."
     
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  20. Tony C. Ωf Jury member Apr 1, 2017

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    For our philosophically inclined members...

    [​IMG]
     
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