The whole family of this idiot is totally crazy.
How do you know?
I am his brother.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"

 

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and launches into a tirade: "I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against women...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f_ _ _ _ r on your knee!"

 

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

I'm really impressed with myself. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in three hours.
It said 4-6 years on the box.

 

Smoke Alarm Gloria

 

Garden snakes can be dangerous

I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my
baby boxwood until I got this
letter:

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also
known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can
be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. Here's why.



A couple
in Sweetwater , Texas ,
had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold
spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible
freeze.



It turned out that a little green
garden grass snake was hidden in one of the
plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the
sofa.



She let out a very loud
scream.



The husband (who was taking a
shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was
a snake under the sofa



He got down on the
floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell
over on the floor.



His wife thought he
had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an
ambulance.



The attendants rushed in,
would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him
out.



About that time, the snake came out
from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and
why he is still in the hospital.



The wife
still had the problem of the snake in the house,
so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to
capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the
woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief.



But while relaxing, her hand
dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa.



The neighbor man, seeing her lying
there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive
her.



The neighbor's wife, who had just
returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw
her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with
a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed
stitches.



The noise woke the woman from
her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on
the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went
to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat.



By now, the police had
arrived.
Breathe here......



They saw
the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and
assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They
were about to arrest them all, when the women
tried to explain how it all happened over a
little garden snake!



The police called an
ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.



Now, the little snake again
crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He
missed the snake and hit the leg of the end
table. The table fell over, the lamp on it
shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a
fire in the drapes.



The other policeman
tried to beat out the flames, and fell through
the window into the yard on top of the family
dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the
street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid
it and smashed into the parked police
car.



Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning
drapes and called in the fire department. The
firemen had started raising the fire ladder when
they were halfway down the street. The rising
ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the
power, and disconnected the telephones in a
ten-square city block area (but they did get the
house fire out).



Time passed! Both men
were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired
a new car and all was right with their
world.



A while later they were watching
TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for
that night. The wife asked her husband if he
thought they should bring in their plants for
the night.



And that's when he shot
her.

 

True story...

 

I saw this on a 'social media' site...........it made me laugh

 

A woman heard of a new operation that was available to "tighten" certain parts in order to heighten pleasure (if you know what I mean). She talked to her GP who recommended a surgeon. After agreeing to the proposal, she mentioned to the surgeon that this procedure was to be absolutely hush hush. The surgery went well, and she woke up in the recovery room to find three red roses. She summoned the nurse for an explanation. The nurse told her that one rose was from the doctor, one rose was from her as she'd had the same operation, and one was from the gentleman in the burn unit who was thanking her for for his new ears!

 

I wish I was twenty years old again.

 

Viola Q&A

Q:How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
A:The bow is moving.

Q:How do you get two viola players to play in unison?
A:Shoot one.

Q:Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A:So you don’t have to retrain the viola players.

Q:What’s the difference between playing the viola and pissing in your pants?
A:Both are totally embarrassing, but only one gives you a nice, warm feeling.

Q:What’s the difference between a viola and a violin?
A:The viola burns longer.

Q:What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
A:No one cries when you chop up a viola.

 

A Yorkshireman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a London pub .... and complaining about the prices.

The Yorkshireman says "In our local, it's just £2.00 a pint and the barman always stands you a free pint for every five you drink and,if you're too drunk to drive, he makes sure you get a cab home".

"Aye", says the Scot, "In our village pub it's £2.00 for a pint of heavy but the third's always free. There's crisps on the bar and, if you're too drunk to get home, they let you sleep on a sofa in the snug".

"Irish pubs are the best", pipes up our lad from Donegal, "The drinks are free all night. You can be sure of getting fed. The lads even make sure you get laid. If you're too drunk to get home, they let you sleep the night in a nice soft king sized bed. They'll make you breakfast and pay for your cab home".

"That can't be right", splutters the Scot.

"Sure it is", says the Irishman, "me sister goes there all the time".

 

I'm guessing that your parents forced you to take viola lessons back in the day

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they settled in for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" said Holmes,

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"

 

I hope this doesn't cross the line politically but I thought it was funny enough to share:

One sunny day in 2017, an old man approached the White House from Pennsylvania Ave, where he had been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the president and doesn’t reside here.” The old man said “Okay” and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here.” The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have asked to speak with Mrs. Clinton, and I have told you each time that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man said, “Oh, I understand you just fine, I just love hearing you say it.”

With that the Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow Sir.”

 

I called an old Harvard classmate and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment
of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed......

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water....
under his wife's supervision.

__________________________________

A biology teacher was telling her class that humans are the only species that stutter.

A girl in the class told the teacher that she had a cat that stuttered. The teacher told the girl it was not possible for a cat to stutter. The girl was adamant, so the teacher asked her to explain.

One day, the girl and the cat were in their back yard. The neighbour's Rottweiler leapt the fence and made a beeline for the cat. The vocalized "fffft, fffft", but before it could say f_ _ k, the Rottweiler ate it.

 

I wonder how far back that joke goes. When I first heard it, the old man was asking to see George H. W. Bush.

 

The same general idea goes back a lot further than that. I have a 19th century book (can't locate it just now) which tells of a retired sailor paying a boy to bang on his door every morning at six o'clock and shout "Mr X! The Captain wants to see you on the bridge immediately!" to which the sailor would shout "Tell the Captain to go to Hell!" and go back to sleep.