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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. West Slope Aug 5, 2016

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  2. gatorcpa ΩF InvestiGator Staff Member Aug 5, 2016

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  3. ONEWATCH Irony embodied Aug 5, 2016

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  4. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 6, 2016

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    Have you heard about McDonald’s new Congressional Value Meal?

    Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
     
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  5. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Aug 7, 2016

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    Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

    While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

    The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000 or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just $100."

    The American diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.

    They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Trump shipped home.

    The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"

    The diplomats replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
     
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  6. ONEWATCH Irony embodied Aug 14, 2016

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    Regardless of who wins the Presidential election this November, we will witness history being made.


    If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. P residentialelection, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. Presidents have slept with each other! (That we know of!)




    If Donald Trump wins the U.S. Presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.


    Is this a great country or what?
     
  7. STANDY schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collector Aug 15, 2016

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    How do you defend yourself if your attacked by a gang of clowns


    Go for the juggler..
     
  8. Canuck Aug 23, 2016

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    All is not lost!

    The triumph of age and experience: A farmer stopped by the local
    mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, once he got outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
     
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  9. rcs914 Aug 24, 2016

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    Mr. & Mrs. Cat went on a vacation to Hawaii with their kittens. Which island did they visit?
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    Meowi
     
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  10. redpcar Aug 24, 2016

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    I was guessing:
    [​IMG]
     
  11. Canuck Aug 24, 2016

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    But I understand the word Canary as in Canary Islands did not originate because of canaries! But I believe is was because of dogs, as in canines! As in Islas Canarias, or Island of the Dogs. So why might a CAT of all creatures take its progeny to the Island of the Dogs?
     
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  12. BlackTalon This Space for Rent Aug 25, 2016

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    "Keep your fiends close, and your enemies even closer"?
     
  13. Canuck Sep 6, 2016

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    I used to date a real estate man's daughter. She wasn't much of a looker, but brother, did she know a LOT!
     
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  14. ahsposo Most fun screen name at ΩF Sep 12, 2016

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    Posted in my local fish shop:

    0910161504a.jpg
     
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  15. redpcar Sep 14, 2016

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  16. ONEWATCH Irony embodied Oct 2, 2016

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  17. GeorgeBailey2 Oct 2, 2016

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    An elderly couple is driving through a small town. The woman, who is hard of hearing, is driving. She is going a little too fast and, sure enough, they get pulled over.
    Policeman: Do you realize you were going 60 in a 25 mile per hour zone?
    Woman: Heh?
    Man: HE SAYS YOU WERE DRIVING TOO FAST!
    Woman: Oh? (and then nods her head)
    Policeman: I will need to see your driver's license and registration.
    Woman: Heh?
    Man: HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE!
    Woman: Oh?
    She proceeds to get her driver's license out of her purse and her husband hands her the registration. She gives them to the policeman.
    Policeman: I see you are from Rochester.
    Woman: Heh?
    Man: HE SAYS HE SEES YOU ARE FROM ROCHESTER!
    Policeman: You know, I was in Rochester once. Had the worst lay of my life!
    Woman: Heh?
    Man: HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!
    ::rimshot::
     
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  18. Edward53 Oct 3, 2016

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    Cinderella is sweeping up in the kitchen wishing she could go to the ball when her Fairy Godmother appears and tells her, Cinderella, you SHALL go to the ball! But Fairy Godmother, Cinders says, I haven't got anything to wear! Fairy Godmother points at a row of pumpkins with her wand and flash! one of them turns into a beautiful dress. Put that on, Cinders, Fairy Godmother says, but be sure to be back by midnight because then it will turn back into a pumpkin. So Cinders puts the dress on, and says, Oh it's beautiful but Fairy Godmother, I have no way of getting to the ball! Fairy Godmother points at another pumpkin and flash! it's a coach with horses and footmen. Fairy Godmother says here's your transport Cinders, but be sure to be back by midnight because it'll all turn back into a pumpkin. Cinders says, Fairy Godmother, that's wonderful but there is just one more problem - it's the wrong time of the month, and I haven't got a tampon! Fairy Godmother points at another pumpkin, and flash! it's a tampon. Here you are Cinders, she says, but be sure to be back by midnight.
     
  19. rcs914 Oct 3, 2016

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    Umm, is there more to that joke @Edward53 ?
     
  20. BlackTalon This Space for Rent Oct 3, 2016

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    Uhm, think about it...

    midnight... pumpkin...

    Ouch!
     
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