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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. CanberraOmega Rabbitohs and Whisky Supporter Jan 17, 2016

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    Pun, watchme and dougiedude like this.
  2. Garv no longer a member of the terminally hip Jan 21, 2016

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    A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

    “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

    The two Americans just stare at him.

    “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

    “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

    The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

    “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
     
    Pun, RegF, fibonacci086 and 6 others like this.
  3. CdnWatchDoc Jan 23, 2016

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    'Murican is certainly a foreign language to those of us who use the Queen's English...although Canajun is not that much better!
     
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  4. Canuck Jan 23, 2016

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    It has long been thought that the computer was a development of the 20th century. Yet images exist of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. They are both clearly shown a la fresco, and Eve has an Apple in one hand, and a Wang in the other! ::shy::
     
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  5. gatorcpa ΩF InvestiGator Staff Member Jan 23, 2016

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    What about 'Strine?
    gatorcpa
     
  6. Garv no longer a member of the terminally hip Jan 28, 2016

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    A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
    • Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    • Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    • Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    • Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
    • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
    • Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
    • Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
    • Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
    • Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
    • Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    • Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
    • Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
    • Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
    • Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    • Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
    • Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
    • Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
    • Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
    • Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
     
    Fretworker, sjg22, rcs914 and 7 others like this.
  7. Spike Jan 28, 2016

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    After a watchmaker finished repairing a Chinese fake Rolex he turned to his partner and said "it's funny, an hour after finishing one of these, I want to do another"....::rimshot::
     
  8. ONEWATCH Irony embodied Jan 28, 2016

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    It's Sunday morning and all the pews are full in rural Alabama church. Just as the minister is starting his sermon, there is a large explosion and ball of flame at the back of the church. The doors swing open amid a huge fall of sulphurous smoke and Satan appears. As he walks up to the front of the church all the congregation flees except for one very elderly man. When Satan gets to him he stops and asks if he knows who he is. "Yep, you are Satan" says the old man. You know I can send you to damnation forever and you are still showing no fear of me. Why is that he asks, "Been married to your sister for 60 years."
     
    watchme, Buckeyes#1 and CdnWatchDoc like this.
  9. ahartfie The black sheep in the Spee-ee-eee-eedmaster flock Jan 28, 2016

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    Maybe too transient/topical....

    Why did Adele cross the road?

    To say hello from the other side!
     
    watchme likes this.
  10. Garv no longer a member of the terminally hip Feb 3, 2016

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    An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
     
    RegF and watchme like this.
  11. fibonacci086 Feb 3, 2016

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    Trying to translate a French joke in English, sorry for the approximations.

    A couple is in bed making love, preliminaries in action.
    Suddenly woman says: Ouch ! Please remove your ring, it is hurting me !
    Man says : it's not my ring, but my watch ! :taunt:
     
  12. Canuck Feb 3, 2016

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    A bigade of afghan paratroops in training is preparing for a training session. They get together with the instructor and tell him they don't jump if they're higher than 500 feet. The instructor tells them they'll be all right because of their parachutes. The spokesman says, parachutes?
     
  13. shaun hk Fairy nuffer Feb 3, 2016

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    WARNING!

    There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email do not open it........it's spam::rimshot::
     
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  14. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Feb 4, 2016

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    Said the blonde to her friend....

    "I got a new stick deodorant today."

    "The instructions said to "remove cap and push up bottom.""

    "Makes it hard to walk but my farts smell great!"

    ::facepalm2::
     
    RegF, Fox143, flw and 1 other person like this.
  15. Trevshep2 Feb 4, 2016

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    I keep having a recurring dream, one night I'm a tepee the next I'm a Wigwam , The doctor says I'm 'two Tense'.
     
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  16. JMG Feb 4, 2016

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    Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar. They each got six months.
     
  17. dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! Feb 5, 2016

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    The maid asks the lady of the house for a payrise The lady of the house asks why.
    Well your husband says that I iron better than you replies the maid.
    That's not enough reason for a payrise says the lady of the house.
    Well your husband says I'm a better cook than you says the maid.
    She gets the same reply.
    Well I give a better blowjob than you says the maid.
    I suppose my husband told you that too, replies the lady of the house.
    Actually it was the gardener says the maid.
     
  18. Canuck Feb 5, 2016

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    What do you call a computer that sings?.....................Adele!
     
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  19. Canuck Feb 9, 2016

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    Well then! Afghan paratroops doesn't cut it! how about the guy who called his girlfriend a magician. Every time she put her hand on his knee, he turned into a motel! :)
     
    shaun hk likes this.
  20. redpcar Feb 9, 2016

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    A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.
    He walks up to his wife and says, "This is the pig I have been f*cking"
    The wife says, "That's not a pig, it's a duck"
    The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you!"
     
    GeorgeBailey2, Faz and shaun hk like this.