World's worse pizza joke

There once was an ogre named Pete and he had an evil eye. If you looked at him he would zap you. Everyone was afraid of Pete's Zap Eye.

 

Not really a joke but email arrived this morning........here's my attempt at a "redacted" email. I was kind of intrigued as teaching faculty whether I am now supposed to reward or punish stripping




But I guess this is really what it's about

 

This guy's car seized up on him. He got out, lifted the hood, and was probing around, looking for the cause. A drunk walks behind him and says, "hey buddy. Got a problem?" The driver answers over his shoulder, "ya! Piston broke!" The drunk answers, "so am I!"

 

I go walk a while, then stopped. I guess it is a joke on me. See, I am some cattle.

Haha!

 

Two guys are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't appear to be breathing.
His buddy takes out his cell phone and immediately calls 911. Gasping, he says to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
"Take it easy and calm down," the operator says in a calm voice. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"



source:

 

My doctor thinks I'm taking hallucenogenic drugs......how do I know that's what he thinks?....let's just say a little birdie told me.
I don't know what went wrong between me and my last girlfriend, or Tubby as I called her.......for some reason she had low self esteem....and saggy tits..........as I called her...
So what if I can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world!
I used to sell single onions.....'til I got the sack.
Then I started a VD clinic...from scratch.
I used to make clowns shoes.....that was no small feat I can tell ya!
Then I was a trapeze artist...... and they let me go.
After that I tried trampolining.......off and on.
I was watching a TV programme the other day about how ships are put together.........it was rivetting.
Good news for agoraphobics......the cure is just around the corner.
I like what mechanics wear....overall.
I don't think my father liked me very much, he only took me fishing once.......I remember swimming back to shore thinking,.......my father doesn't like me very much.
I now know my father didn't like me very much, he took me golfing once.......I remember swimming back to the fairway thinking,.......my father doesn't like me very much.
I married way too young......she was a Chinese girl.
I think I've got schizophrenia.......but you know what they say......
Standing in the park today I was wondering how it is that a frisbee appears to get larger the closer it gets.......and then it hit me.....
Should midgets get paid under the table?
Do homeless people get "knock knock" jokes?

 

An ass.

 

I'm all for sex on the TV unless you fall off... Boom! Boom!

 

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

“Yup” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it. “Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”

 

Why's the Pope staring at Obama's crotch?

The better version is:

I'm totally opposed to sex on the TV. It gives me a bad back and the aerial sticks right up my arse.

 

A guy calls the police:
"Officer! Can you please come quickly, Here are two girls fighting for me!"
The Officer:"Ehm ok, and what exactly is your Problem?"
The guy:"I think The fat one wins...."

 

How do you know your best friend/mate is gay?

His d tastes like chit.

 

I was banging my buddy Charlie in the can the other night and all of a sudden, he reached around and started tickling my jimmies.

So, now I'm thinking Charlie some kind of f#g!

What should I do??

 

Stop drinking before you post another of these beauties to start

 

it's 6:36am here - I left the ramrod hours ago and don't drink on school nights!

 

I teach my mother something new everyday; she always said you should learn from your mistakes.

 

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

Groan!

 

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, kinda makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"