A well-heeled woman is approached by her maid for a raise.

"Why do you think you deserve more money? I do everything you do around here anyway."

The maid said, "Well, I cook better than you do."

"Really?," the woman said. "Who told you that?"

"Your husband," the maid said.

"Yeah, so what?," the woman replied.

Then the maid said, "I also clean better than you."

The woman again replied,"okay, where'd you get that from?"

The maid said, "Your husband."

"Ha ha," the woman said."You think anyone cares?"

"I also fuck better than you, " the maid said.

"Is that so?," the woman responded, annoyed. "Where the hell did you hear that from?"

"The gardener," the maid said.

"Okay," said the woman. "How much do you want?"

 

When did Pinocchio realise he was made out of wood?

When his hand caught fire...

 

I bought Rolex Datejust and common people around me had an eyes on me and interested on my wrist.

I felt insecure and tried to find the new watch to wear.

Then I bought one super fancy, very expensive, flamboyant, and high-end complicated movement timepiece from Richard Mille.

Nobody care and I felt relief.

Because every person around me where I live knew nothing about the brand at all.

Except the one general in South East Asia who was accused of corruption scandal at the moment...And he had many Patek Philippe in his private collection, waiting to be sold via auction when he lost his power and position in near future...

 

A man walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time..'

The man replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The man becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,' I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'

The man looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me...I've quit drinking!!!’

 

View attachment 941405

 

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing.

Tckled me

 

This one was told just two pages back

 

Apologies, dont folloow every day, just showed up on my FB feed & tickled me.

I suppose I need to go right back to start of thread & read them all so as not to duplicate

Jeeper

 

Q: What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

A: A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

 

I don't want to alarm anyone, but CoronaVirus will soon spread irreversibly, the most contagious are banknotes (currency). Do not touch them, take them with gloves and put them in an airtight envelope and leave it outside your door.
Tomorrow morning I will drop by for collection and disposal.
Always in selfless service

 

I now realize that I have a serious medical condition. Apparently my loud snoring scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

 

It was reported that John Travolta fell ill last weekend. The hospital staff initially suspected COVID 19 but the doctors confirmed that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assured him that he was Staying Alive.

 

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

I am voting that a lot of men do not like uppity women that they cannot control. Its a control issue.

 

I just want to say thank you to our great OF mods for your recent activity cleaning up this thread.

 

And for eliminating the problem at it's source...

 

What did one traffic light say to the other?

Don't look I'm changing.