Ok, who did not like my President's Day joke?

 

Who can drink 10 litres of Petrol and not get sick? Jerry can.

 

Isn’t that called the Hugh Grant method .

 

Alluring lady


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.



She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.



"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.



"Actually, no," he replied.



"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.



"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"



"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.



"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

 

Do you know how many prophylactics it takes to make one tire? Well, 365 makes a Goodyear!

 

Is that a “69” joke?

 

A man, in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully:

Are my test results back?"

 

The veteran watchmaker and his eager apprentice were taking inventory of parts. The older man’s method was to make a tiny x on parts as he counted them then move on to the next.

The impatient boy wanted to be of use, so he grabbed a large shiny part and handed it to the old pro. “How about this one?”asked the apprentice.

“Just hold yer horses, boy. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. “

 

Damn.......just choked on my afternoon coffee!

 

The timing on watch jokes has to be just right

 

If not, off to the jokemaker for an adjustment.

 

The Ex
One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his motorcycle in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage."

"You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid vintage watches, plus dump that vintage sports car and your home brewing equipment."

Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife!"

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, "I wasn't."

 

Credit to Private Eye and the artist for the lol, and my dog for the snot.

 

Excellent.

Any Dudley Do-Right, RCMP fans?

 

Two cannibals were eating a clown

One says to the other, “Does he taste funny to you?”

 

I’m enjoying a nice tenderloin, one said. The other said, “I’m having a ball”!

 

What kind of beans to cannibals eat?

Human beans