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Tell me a joke...

  1. Darlinboy

    Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 16, 2015

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    I love a good joke, but I am awful at telling them. Show me what you've got!


    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....::rimshot::



    An old mafia don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
    -"You lissin-ta me. I wanna for youse to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
    -"But grandpa, I really don't really like guns. How's about you leave me your gold Rolex Day Date President reference 1803 with serti Stella dial and non-quickset caliber 1556 instead?"

    -"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna my business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you gold Rolex Day Date President reference 1803 with serti Stella dial and non-quickset caliber 1556 and a say, TIME'S UP?::rimshot::
     
    yande, alam, redjack63 and 27 others like this.
  2. dennisthemenace

    dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! May 16, 2015

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    How disgusting are we allowed to be?
     
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  3. oddboy

    oddboy Zero to Grail+2998 In Six Months May 16, 2015

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    Why does no one play with Tigger?
     
  4. Darlinboy

    Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 16, 2015

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    The answer to both of these questions is "YES"! ::rimshot::
     
    chronos likes this.
  5. oddboy

    oddboy Zero to Grail+2998 In Six Months May 16, 2015

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    Because Tigger plays with Pooh.
     
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  6. lillatroll

    lillatroll May 16, 2015

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    What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?


    Get in them tanks men.
     
    DaveK, 0uss, watchme and 2 others like this.
  7. lillatroll

    lillatroll May 16, 2015

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    Shakespeare walks into a pub

    The landlord says....."get out your bard!
     
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  8. Darlinboy

    Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! May 16, 2015

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    Larry and his two brothers Daryl are stranded on a desert island.

    Just as they are about to starve Daryl (no, the other one) finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out.

    As is the custom the genie says, " Thank you for freeing me. In return, I will give you each one wish, but only one, so use it wisely.

    Larry immediately says, "I wish I were home!" and ~poof!~ he goes home.

    Daryl (no, the other one) says, "I wish I were home!" and ~poof!~ he goes home too.

    Then Daryl (yes, that one), now all alone on the desert island, looks around. He just doesn't know what to wish for.

    He thinks and thinks, but can't come up with a thing.

    Finally he sighs and says "I wish my brothers were here to help me decide!".


    ~poof!~::rimshot::
     
    Edited May 16, 2015
  9. dennisthemenace

    dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! May 16, 2015

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    Robbie, Kylie and Elton are walking home from a night out at a London restaurant. They've all had a bit too much to drink and Kylie stumbles on her high heels and get her head trapped in some railings. Robbie sees his chance, drops his trousers and has his wicked way. when he's finished he turns to Elton and says, come on Elton, It's your turn now. Elton replies, I'd love to but I'll never get my head through those railings.
     
  10. ulackfocus

    ulackfocus May 16, 2015

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    Here's a good joke to play on children.

    For a kid aged 4 to 6, tell them they have a hole in each of their socks. Most will say "nuh-uh!". Insist they do and you can prove it without them even taking off their shoe. They'll usually again say they don't have a hole in their sock, to which you can reply "How'd you get your feet in?".

    ::rimshot::
     
  11. dennisthemenace

    dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! May 16, 2015

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    What happened to the Irish tap dancer?
     
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  12. Bezel_Faulty

    Bezel_Faulty May 16, 2015

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    A horse walks into a bar.
    The barman says 'Why the long face'?
     
  13. Bezel_Faulty

    Bezel_Faulty May 16, 2015

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    I don't know.
    What did happen?
     
  14. dennisthemenace

    dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! May 16, 2015

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    He fell down the plughole.
     
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  15. Bezel_Faulty

    Bezel_Faulty May 16, 2015

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    I knew I shouldn't have asked.
     
  16. Bezel_Faulty

    Bezel_Faulty May 16, 2015

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    When I was young, my parents used to send me out to play with a sponge cake and cream hat with a cherry on top.
    It was tough growing up in the gateaux.
     
  17. Tony C.

    Tony C. Ωf Jury member May 16, 2015

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    The contemporary (and better, in my view) version of that joke replaces the horse with John Kerry.
     
    Joe_A, Starman71, José9 and 5 others like this.
  18. Bezel_Faulty

    Bezel_Faulty May 16, 2015

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    Police raided Kermit the Frog's pad. They found hundreds of images of a naked Miss Piggy. A spokesman said it was the worst case of frog's porn they had ever seen.
     
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  19. dennisthemenace

    dennisthemenace Hey, he asked for it! May 16, 2015

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    Bruce meets Sheila in a bar in Melbourne and they get on like a house on fire. At the end of the night Sheila agrees to spend the night together.
    In the morning they exchange phone numbers and go their separate ways.
    Six weeks later Bruce gets a call from Sheila telling him she's on a bridge a few miles out of town and she needs to see him straight away.
    So Bruce finishes his beer and drives to the bridge to meet her. When he gets there Sheila tell him that she's pregnant and that if he doesn't do the right thing and marry her she will jump off the bridge to her death.
    Bruce replies, Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great f**k, you're a great sport too.
     
  20. nxw1969

    nxw1969 May 16, 2015

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    Whats the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?
    .
    .
    .
    Would you pay £200 to have a lentil on your head?
     
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