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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics]

Darlinboy
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I love a good joke, but I am awful at telling them. Show me what you've got!


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....::rimshot::



An old mafia don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You listen to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don't really like guns. How's about you leave me your gold Rolex Day Date President reference 1803 with serti stella dial and non-quickset caliber 1556 instead?"
-"Shut up and listen! Some day you're going to run my business, you going have a beautiful wife, lots of money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. One day you're going to come home and maybe find you wife inbed with another man. What are you going to do then......point to you gold Rolex Day Date President reference 1803 with serti stella dial and non-quickset caliber 1556 and a say, TIME'S UP asshole?

::rimshot::
Edited:
 
lillatroll
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What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?


Get in them tanks men.
 
Darlinboy
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Larry and his two brothers Daryl are stranded on a desert island.
http://kickasshumor.com/funny-joke/7858/there-are-3-girls-on-a-island-they-are-blond-bru
Just as they are about to starve Daryl (no, the other one) finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out.

As is the custom the genie says, " Thank you for freeing me. In return, I will give you each one wish, but only one, so use it wisely.

Larry immediately says, "I wish I were home!" and ~poof!~ he goes home.

Daryl (no, the other one) says, "I wish I were home!" and ~poof!~ he goes home too.

Then Daryl (yes, that one), now all alone on the desert island, looks around. He just doesn't know what to wish for.

He thinks and thinks, but can't come up with a thing.

Finally he sighs and says "I wish my brothers were here to help me decide!".


~poof!~::rimshot::
Edited:
 
dennisthemenace
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Robbie, Kylie and Elton are walking home from a night out at a London restaurant. They've all had a bit too much to drink and Kylie stumbles on her high heels and get her head trapped in some railings. Robbie sees his chance, drops his trousers and has his wicked way. when he's finished he turns to Elton and says, come on Elton, It's your turn now. Elton replies, I'd love to but I'll never get my head through those railings.
 
U
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Here's a good joke to play on children.

For a kid aged 4 to 6, tell them they have a hole in each of their socks. Most will say "nuh-uh!". Insist they do and you can prove it without them even taking off their shoe. They'll usually again say they don't have a hole in their sock, to which you can reply "How'd you get your feet in?".

::rimshot::
 
Bezel_Faulty
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When I was young, my parents used to send me out to play with a sponge cake and cream hat with a cherry on top.
It was tough growing up in the gateaux.
 
Tony C.
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Bezel_Faulty Bezel_Faulty
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says 'Why the long face'?

The contemporary (and better, in my view) version of that joke replaces the horse with John Kerry.
 
Bezel_Faulty
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Police raided Kermit the Frog's pad. They found hundreds of images of a naked Miss Piggy. A spokesman said it was the worst case of frog's porn they had ever seen.
 
dennisthemenace
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Bruce meets Sheila in a bar in Melbourne and they get on like a house on fire. At the end of the night Sheila agrees to spend the night together.
In the morning they exchange phone numbers and go their separate ways.
Six weeks later Bruce gets a call from Sheila telling him she's on a bridge a few miles out of town and she needs to see him straight away.
So Bruce finishes his beer and drives to the bridge to meet her. When he gets there Sheila tell him that she's pregnant and that if he doesn't do the right thing and marry her she will jump off the bridge to her death.
Bruce replies, Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great f**k, you're a great sport too.
 
nxw1969
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Whats the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?
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.
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Would you pay £200 to have a lentil on your head?
 
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