Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

GarethS
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I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
 
GarethS
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I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve. How do you get that out?
 
GarethS
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
 
GarethS
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991
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
 
MikiJ
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
 
Canuck
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The story goes that, during the height of the Cold War, someone asked a drunk what he would do in the case of fallout. He replied that he’d climb back on and use shorter strokes.
 
nonono
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What do u call a deaf gynecologist?



A lip reader.
 
nonono
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?



Wipe his ass
 
Buck2466
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A burglar entered a bedroom, tied up the husband and wife, kissed the wife's ear and then went to the bathroom.

The husband says to the wife, "satisfy him, or he will kill us, be strong, I love you."

Wife says, " He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and I told him that it's in the bathroom."

"So be strong, I love you too!"
 
Buck2466
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A professor told his class:

"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"

A blonde asked,

"Who's 'Seed'?"
 
Buck2466
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Liquor store clerk: Do you need any help?

Me: Yes, but I decided to come here instead.
 
haqq777
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Panda walks into a bar. He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
 
Faz
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An Italian, a Mexican and a Jew walk into a bar. The barman says "...is this a joke?" ::rimshot::
 
Buck2466
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"Have you heard of Murphy's Law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No. What is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
 
wsfarrell
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Buck2466 Buck2466
"Have you heard of Murphy's Law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No. What is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Reminds me of one I like to pull on people from time to time. Let's say we're talking about headaches:

Friend: Yeah, I get this nasty headache every few days.
Me: You might want to try some updoc for that.
Friend: What's updoc?
 
nonono
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A butcher put an advertisement to showcase the quality of his meats. It read:

"when it comes to meat, mine can't be beat!"
 
Edward53
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wsfarrell wsfarrell
Reminds me of one I like to pull on people from time to time. Let's say we're talking about headaches:

Friend: Yeah, I get this nasty headache every few days.
Me: You might want to try some updoc for that.
Friend: What's updoc?

I just tried that out on Mrs. E. It didn't really work as I don't think Bugs Bunny ever said "What the fυck is that?"
 
Buck2466
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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist:Yes!
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes, if I take two.
 
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