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Canuck
·Ugh!
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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vbrad26
·Went to the zoo today and saw a loaf of sourdough in a cage.
I asked the zoo-keeper what that was about and he told me it was bread in captivity.
I'll be here all day...
I asked the zoo-keeper what that was about and he told me it was bread in captivity.
I'll be here all day...
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Canuck
·🤦 Indeed!
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Canuck
·My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and
since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.
It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that
this caused me in my later life.
Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”
Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”
He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”
“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”
He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my
whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about
my personal life.
After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the
honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I
wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, “Sir,
every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”I said, “You don’t
understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”
One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent
hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was
doing in this alley at midnight. I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.
Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more
trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counselling. My
psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, “Sex has left my
life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend.
Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”
since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.
It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that
this caused me in my later life.
Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”
Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”
He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”
“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”
He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my
whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about
my personal life.
After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the
honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I
wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, “Sir,
every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”I said, “You don’t
understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”
One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent
hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was
doing in this alley at midnight. I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.
Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more
trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counselling. My
psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, “Sex has left my
life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend.
Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”
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The Father
·There was once this hayseed hick, he reached the age of 21 and never had sex. He went to the local house of ill repute. He went to the door and asked for a girl. The madame asked if he had experience. The hick said “no ma’am never had sex”
The mádame said get lost and come back when you’ve had experience. The hick went back to the farm. Hmmm what can the hick do? The hick spotted the old Oak tree with a nice sized knot hole. The hick tried out the knot hole.
The hick went back to house of ill repute.
He told the madame he had experience. She sent him down to 3rd room. Soon there were screams coming from the room.
The madame ran to the door and threw it open. “What in the hell is going on?!”
The young girl said “that hick is trying to stick that broom handle up me”
The hick retorted “I’m just trying to get the squirrels out!”
The mádame said get lost and come back when you’ve had experience. The hick went back to the farm. Hmmm what can the hick do? The hick spotted the old Oak tree with a nice sized knot hole. The hick tried out the knot hole.
The hick went back to house of ill repute.
He told the madame he had experience. She sent him down to 3rd room. Soon there were screams coming from the room.
The madame ran to the door and threw it open. “What in the hell is going on?!”
The young girl said “that hick is trying to stick that broom handle up me”
The hick retorted “I’m just trying to get the squirrels out!”
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M'Bob
·The young girl said “that hick is trying to stick that broom handle up me”
The hick retorted “I’m just trying to get the squirrels out!”
Dennis: any bruises?
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Wivac
·What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
...
...
...
...
...
Trombones
...
...
...
...
...
Trombones
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland?
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
A. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
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Vercingetorix
··Spam RiskWhat do you get when you cross a lawyer with the godfather ?
An offer you can’t understand.
An offer you can’t understand.
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M'Bob
·What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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staristheanswer
·What do you get when you get it?
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Buck2466
·Did you hear about the Chameleon that couldn't change color?
He had a Reptile Dysfunction!
He had a Reptile Dysfunction!
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M'Bob
·My poor grandfather: he got a younger girlfriend, mixed some Viagra with prune juice, and didn't know if he was coming or going.
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury memberOk, not a joke, however...if you like Mel Brooks, this is a terrific read:
https://www.theatlantic.com/enterta...-brooks-in-his-90s/564683/?curator=MediaREDEF
https://www.theatlantic.com/enterta...-brooks-in-his-90s/564683/?curator=MediaREDEF
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Ok, not a joke, however...if you like Mel Brooks, this is a terrific read:
https://www.theatlantic.com/enterta...-brooks-in-his-90s/564683/?curator=MediaREDEF
Excellent read. 👍
Q - “What do you wear: Briefs or boxer shorts?”
A. “Depends.”
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Pun
·Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea got to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him," Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel.
Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cosy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar.
I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up her leg into her warm cosy spot between the legs that has lots of hair. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
*When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley*!!!"
Last year when one flea got to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him," Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel.
Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cosy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar.
I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up her leg into her warm cosy spot between the legs that has lots of hair. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
*When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley*!!!"
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Pun
·Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.
They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them.”
“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens.
Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit
- and the dog had superintendent’s balls in his mouth!
They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable. We have to go back to the station to get them.”
“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens.
Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit
- and the dog had superintendent’s balls in his mouth!
Edited:
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ext1
·Kind of not a joke but I just suddenly thought that in certain parts of the world they will mistake you saying 're-lume' to 're-room', and vice versa...re-rooming a speedy, hmm...re-luming with a different lumemate?
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JesterP
·What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
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BlackTalon
··This Space for RentWhat do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
