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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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fiberguy
·
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M'Bob
·Two lesbians both want kids, but rather than go through the expense and hassle of involving the medical profession, they call on their handsome but somewhat dim-witted neighbor who agrees to provide services the old-fashioned way.
Night after night, he has sex with both of them, but after about six months, with neither is pregnant, he has a thought: “Could this be related to that vasectomy I had?”
Night after night, he has sex with both of them, but after about six months, with neither is pregnant, he has a thought: “Could this be related to that vasectomy I had?”
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Doing a wide area sweep for illegal marijuana growing operations, a DEA agent pulls up to a run-down back country ranch that has been flagged as suspicious on agency satellite photos.
Showing his credentials, the agent informs the rancher that he will need to walk the property to determine if there are any illicit crops being grown.
"Look all you want," says the grizzled rancher turning to point, "But stay away from the pasture in the southeast corner over yonder by the creek."
The agent bristles at the rancher's comment and sticks his finger in the face of the rancher saying," Listen up mister, I have the full authority of the Federal Government with me."
"See this warrant?" the agent continues, unfolding an official-looking document. "This warrant means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, no restrictions, on your land. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher scans at the warrant, and backing away chuckles to himself, then shakes his head and goes on about his chores while the agent makes a beeline for the southeast pasture,
A little while later, loud screams can be heard from the southeast. The rancher saunters over to lean on the fence, watching the agent run for his life, a giant raging bull close on his heels. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified and screaming "Sir - help! Help me please!"
The old rancher waves his arms at the agent and bellows..... "Quick! Quick!.....
...Show him your warrant!"
Showing his credentials, the agent informs the rancher that he will need to walk the property to determine if there are any illicit crops being grown.
"Look all you want," says the grizzled rancher turning to point, "But stay away from the pasture in the southeast corner over yonder by the creek."
The agent bristles at the rancher's comment and sticks his finger in the face of the rancher saying," Listen up mister, I have the full authority of the Federal Government with me."
"See this warrant?" the agent continues, unfolding an official-looking document. "This warrant means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, no restrictions, on your land. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher scans at the warrant, and backing away chuckles to himself, then shakes his head and goes on about his chores while the agent makes a beeline for the southeast pasture,
A little while later, loud screams can be heard from the southeast. The rancher saunters over to lean on the fence, watching the agent run for his life, a giant raging bull close on his heels. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified and screaming "Sir - help! Help me please!"
The old rancher waves his arms at the agent and bellows..... "Quick! Quick!.....
...Show him your warrant!"
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M'Bob
·
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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Canuck
·She offered her honour,
He honoured her offer,
And all night long,
It was honour and offer!
He honoured her offer,
And all night long,
It was honour and offer!
Edited:
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Pun
·In the late fifties the first Italian Restaurant was opened in Bombay.
The waitresses were hand picked for their beauty.
Many men flocked to this Restaurant not because for the food but to ogle the beautiful waitresses.
On the opening day a rich but a miser drove up in his posh car.
He picked a table served by one of the prettiest girls.
She served him a full course dinner and was looking forward to a good tip.
However, the guy put just four Annas (it was the days of Rupees, Annas and Paise) in the plate as tip.
She was furious and picking up the tip told him with the four Annas she could tell him something about him.
She said "the first Anna tells me you are a rich man".
He said "fairly rich."
“The second Anna tells me you are fond of good food."
He said, "Yes you are right that was the reason I came to the Restaurant."
She then said "the third Anna tells me you are a bachelor.”
He said "you guessed right.
What does the fourth Anna tell you".
She said "the 4th Anna tells me that your father too was a bachelor ."
The waitresses were hand picked for their beauty.
Many men flocked to this Restaurant not because for the food but to ogle the beautiful waitresses.
On the opening day a rich but a miser drove up in his posh car.
He picked a table served by one of the prettiest girls.
She served him a full course dinner and was looking forward to a good tip.
However, the guy put just four Annas (it was the days of Rupees, Annas and Paise) in the plate as tip.
She was furious and picking up the tip told him with the four Annas she could tell him something about him.
She said "the first Anna tells me you are a rich man".
He said "fairly rich."
“The second Anna tells me you are fond of good food."
He said, "Yes you are right that was the reason I came to the Restaurant."
She then said "the third Anna tells me you are a bachelor.”
He said "you guessed right.
What does the fourth Anna tell you".
She said "the 4th Anna tells me that your father too was a bachelor ."
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Duracuir1
··Never Used A Kodak
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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X350 XJR
··Vintage Omega AficionadoA State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapons permit. Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession. She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console. The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse. Finally the astonished trooper asked, What are you afraid of..? and the little old lady smiled and replied, Not a fυcking thing.
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impalla62ss
·BREAKING: Boeing and Alaska have found a solution. The problem has been fixed.
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