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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

FullyWound
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A man wearing a speedmaster and a man wearing a Quadra are walking down the street..

...Quadra has a bag of Doughnuts in his hand.

speedmaster "can i have a donut please?"

Quadra "No."

Speedmaster "Please"

Quadra "No"

"Please!" says Speedmaster

"FINE!" Says quadra "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
 
Tony C.
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contextual.jpg
 
Canuck
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation."Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.""Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?""1955, ma'am.""Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."(Gotta love military time)
 
Canuck
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Friend of mine was told he should wear a condom for protection. He was wearing one yesterday when he was almost hit by a bus!
 
X350 XJR
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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down into his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
 
nygiants
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Be Forewarned: Dirty Joke.
Do not read further if you do not want to read an adult humor joke.


HOME
CATEGORIES
STAND-UP
ALL CATEGORIES DIRTY
NEW WATCH
NEW WATCH

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today."

She goes in and find him with his pants down.

"That's not a watch!" she says.

"It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
 
alam
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"the Russians hacked the Oscars presentations" 😁
 
Canuck
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Dr. Geezer’s ClinicAn old doctor geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open his medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.





------ End of Forwarded Message
 
Alex_TA
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alam alam
"the Russians hacked the Oscars presentations" 😁

It's nothing, they hacked my watch too [emoji57]
 
STANDY
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Joke is better told than read

Lady leaves $1 or $2 on the door step for milk for several years and the milkman leaves a bottle of two of milk ( every day for years always the correct money $1 for one bottle if friends are over $2 for two bottles )

One day the milkman comes and see a $50 note and thinks she wouldn't want 50 bottles of milk so he knocks on the door

(MM) Hi ma'am noticed the $50 didn't you have change how many bottles of milk
(Lady) No that's right I want 50 bottles
(MM) 50 bottles what are you going to do with 50 bottles
(Lady) I was reading about the benefits of a milk bath so I'm going to try it
(MM) oh I see ok then, does it have to be pasteurise ( " past-your-eyes" )
(Lady) no just up to my tits
 
ONEWATCH
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Not a joke. An actual text I sent my sister for her 48th anniversary.

"Happy Anniversary from all of us. Give **** a break tonight. Remember, having sex as you get older is the only thing that gets harder."
 
Mouse_at_Large
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STANDY STANDY
Joke is better told than read

Lady leaves $1 or $2 on the door step for milk for several years and the milkman leaves a bottle of two of milk ( every day for years always the correct money $1 for one bottle if friends are over $2 for two bottles )

One day the milkman comes and see a $50 note and thinks she wouldn't want 50 bottles of milk so he knocks on the door

(MM) Hi ma'am noticed the $50 didn't you have change how many bottles of milk
(Lady) No that's right I want 50 bottles
(MM) 50 bottles what are you going to do with 50 bottles
(Lady) I was reading about the benefits of a milk bath so I'm going to try it
(MM) oh I see ok then, does it have to be pasteurise ( " past-your-eyes" )
(Lady) no just up to my tits

About 50 secs in.....😁

 
Canuck
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A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bstrd. He's never been out of the garden!"
 
Alpha
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' The first time I went to France I took along a rough guide' 🤦
 
FullyWound
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A successful watch collector and vintage car dealer opened the door of his Ferrari 250 GTO,

upload_2017-3-15_13-3-55.png


when suddenly a car (dacia sandero)

upload_2017-3-15_13-4-36.png


came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the dealer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious ferrari . “Officer, look what they’ve done to my ferraaariii!!!”, he whined.

“You dealers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid ferrari, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

upload_2017-3-15_13-5-35.png



“Oh my 🤬 gaaad….”, replied the dealer, finally noticing the bloody stump of a left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my ROLEX ! (double red seadweller)!???!!!”

 
ajg1960
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There was a giant bell in the top of a clocktower in Europe. The same man was in charge of ringing that bell every day. One day, the old man died, and the townspeople needed to find someone else that was able to ring this giant bell correctly and at the right times. They placed a help wanted ad, and got many respondents, but none were up to the task. Eventually, this very odd little guy came along and applied for the job. He was so small, the person in charge of hiring thought he could never do it.
" I think you're too small to ring that big bell, but you can try"
With that, the little man backed all the way up to the corner of the bell tower, and ran full steam into the bell, smashing his face into it. The bell let out a mighty GONG. The hiring manager was amazed and shocked, but this was the first applicant who could do the job, so he was hired.

For days, he rang the bell right on schedule, and it sounded beautiful. Continually, he did this by running full steam into the bell and hitting it with his face.
Weeks, later, after a night of partying, there was a terrible accident. The little man, while running toward the bell, missed it entirely, and plunged to his death after falling out the other side of the tower.

His motionless body lay bleeding on the square below. Townspeople began to gather and talk about the little man they didn't know much about.

"Do you know who he was?" "No, I don't know his name" That was the conversation from many. One man, listening to the conversation, addressed the crowd and said:

" Well, I don't know his name either, but his face rings a bell".


😀
 
kkt
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ajg1960 ajg1960
" Well, I don't know his name either, but his face rings a bell".
😀

::facepalm1::
 
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