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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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cwindham
·Pierre and Boudreaux wanted to go hunting, but didn't have a place to hunt.
Pierre said, "The old farmer down the road is a friend of mine. He's so old, that he can't even get out into his fields anymore. I'll bet he would let us hunt there."
When they got there, Pierre told Boudreaux that he would go into the house, and ask for permission to hunt on the farmer's land. Pierre went into the house, and his friend, the old farmer said, "That's all right with me, but could I get you to do me a small favor in return?"
The farmer said, "Mud Bug, my old hunting dog is so old, he is in constant agony. I need to put him out if his misery, but I just don't have the heart. Before you take to my fields, could you please use your gun and do it for me? He's in the front yard, he's in so much pain, he can't even make it into the house any more."
Pierre said that he would help the old farmer, and went out into the yard, to tell Boudreaux that they could hunt there.
As he was walking down the front steps, he got an idea for a joke that would scare Boudreaux.
When Boudreaux said, "Did he tell us we could hunt on his land?", Pierre, for a joke, said, "No, that's the meanest old farmer I've EVER met -- I'll show HIM!!" Then he shot the old dog
Boudreaux ran to the farmer's barn, and Pierre fell on the ground, laughing, because he scared Boudreaux enough to run away and hide.
Suddenly, Pierre heard, "BLAM......BLAM." Then Boudreaux ran out of the barn, and shouted to Pierre, "O.K., I got the horse and cow... Now, let's get out of here."
Pierre said, "The old farmer down the road is a friend of mine. He's so old, that he can't even get out into his fields anymore. I'll bet he would let us hunt there."
When they got there, Pierre told Boudreaux that he would go into the house, and ask for permission to hunt on the farmer's land. Pierre went into the house, and his friend, the old farmer said, "That's all right with me, but could I get you to do me a small favor in return?"
The farmer said, "Mud Bug, my old hunting dog is so old, he is in constant agony. I need to put him out if his misery, but I just don't have the heart. Before you take to my fields, could you please use your gun and do it for me? He's in the front yard, he's in so much pain, he can't even make it into the house any more."
Pierre said that he would help the old farmer, and went out into the yard, to tell Boudreaux that they could hunt there.
As he was walking down the front steps, he got an idea for a joke that would scare Boudreaux.
When Boudreaux said, "Did he tell us we could hunt on his land?", Pierre, for a joke, said, "No, that's the meanest old farmer I've EVER met -- I'll show HIM!!" Then he shot the old dog
Boudreaux ran to the farmer's barn, and Pierre fell on the ground, laughing, because he scared Boudreaux enough to run away and hide.
Suddenly, Pierre heard, "BLAM......BLAM." Then Boudreaux ran out of the barn, and shouted to Pierre, "O.K., I got the horse and cow... Now, let's get out of here."
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dougiedude
··Carpe horologium!I was walking downtown the other day and I saw that there was a new Muslim Book Store. I wondered what exactly is in a Muslim book store, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me an unwelcome look, but asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s new book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me an unwelcome look, but asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s new book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
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Kwijibo
·Saint john, saint thomas and Jesus are in a boat. Saint John jumps into the warm summer water, so does saint Thomas. Jesus gets out of the boat walking on water. Saint john says " you so dumb, it's really good"
~poof!~
~poof!~
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Doctor: Your test results are back. I have some bad news for you, they don't look good at all.
Man: Give it to me straight Doc, am I going to die?
Doctor: Yes. I'm afraid so.
Man: How long have I got?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what?
Doctor: Four, three, two, one....
Man: Give it to me straight Doc, am I going to die?
Doctor: Yes. I'm afraid so.
Man: How long have I got?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what?
Doctor: Four, three, two, one....
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Canuck
·A guy is taking a bus to the tennis court. His hands are full with his sweats in his hands, his racket, his water bottle, and he's holding onto the overheard hand rail. So he's carrying the balls in his pockets. An attractive young woman is seated nearby, and she keeps looking at his bulging pockets, over and over again. Tennis balls he tells her. She nods an understanding, then she says, "Are tennis balls as painful as tennis elbow?"
Edited:
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Alpha
··Kilt Owner, Beagle Parent, Omega CollectorYou may have to be of a certain age and to have seen the late great Chic Murray live but to me he was one of the greats of Scottish stand up comedy, a link to some of his gags -http://www.valebowlingclub.co.uk/Chic_Murray.htm
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ahsposo
··Most fun screen name at ΩFI really like jokes that deal with the mythic cultural traits of a region - drinking Irishmen, thick-headed Swedes, stingy Scots - so this one from the Chic Murray collection posted be @Alpha worked for me on at least two levels:
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
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MMMD
·I really like jokes that deal with the mythic cultural traits of a region - drinking Irishmen, thick-headed Swedes, stingy Scots - so this one from the Chic Murray collection posted be @Alpha worked for me on at least two levels:
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Nactex
·An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
"1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
"2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
"3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
"4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
"5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
"1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
"2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
"3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
"4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
"5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Taddyangle
·This morning my son and I were wearing breakfast at Denny's. The lady next to us had a stack of pancakes with whip cream and strawberries. As she started eating, she realized the whip cream was actually mayonnaise. She was a great sport about it and we all laughed so hard.
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Canuck
·Definition of RSVP. Remember, send vedding present!
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rcs914
·This morning my son and I were wearing breakfast at Denny's. The lady next to us had a stack of pancakes with whip cream and strawberries. As she started eating, she realized the whip cream was actually mayonnaise. She was a great sport about it and we all laughed so hard.
This bunny is wearing breakfast too:
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Tubber
·An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up
to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money back."
once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up
to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three
knots."
"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money back."
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Canuck
·Squirrels At Church
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter...
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter...
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Taddyangle
·so bad....
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ONEWATCH
·Michelle Obama turned down a chance to speak at the Democratic Convention. Her excuse was " It's already been heard twice!"
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aldindubo
·Donald Trump. 😜
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
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