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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]
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lillatroll
·I didn't know this until recently but Karl Marx's sister, Onya, invented the starting pistol.
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Canuck
·I didn't know this until recently but Karl Marx's sister, Onya, invented the starting pistol.
Giving rise to the typical patter on race day, “Onya marx, get set, go”!
Edited:
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Canuck
·I get it! I was set up. Marx didn’t have a sister named Onya!🙁
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UncleBuck
··understands the decision making hierarchyThe whole world is unarmed compared to the US..
I live in rural Missouri and gun rights are more important to a majority of these people than education.
If any of you decide to invade, don't be surprised to find automatic weapons and massive ammo caches in every trailer park.
I hate to be so negative but I don't understand a lot of what's going on here.
A friend asked me if this was the country that I served in the Army for and I had to think for a minute.
I am proud of who I am and what we are but we need to change our course.
I pray we change directions in the next election or I may be applying for an apprentice watchmaker job with Al (Archer)!
The end of politics from me, we have more important things to discuss!
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Evitzee
·WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves
at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep
N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced
six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt’, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves
at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep
N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced
six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt
and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and
because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt’, you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Canuck
·Who was it that settled on Schitt’s Creek, thereby resulting in the television series? Vital information if you say you know the family, I’d say.
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ExpiredWatchdog
·The U.S. has more than 3.4 times as many guns per capita as Canada. Canada is not exactly unarmed, but compared to the U.S. they're close.
On a logarithmic scale, maybe.
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Charlemagne1333
·Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
Because people are dying to get in.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
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JimInOz
··Melbourne AustraliaA police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way out of the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way out of the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
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killer67
·Spotted this on Twitter (UG came to mind straight away):
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Rodentman
·A woman in a hot air balloon drifting slowly, realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
The woman rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a conservative!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a progressive." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
The woman rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a conservative!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a progressive." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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Archer
··Omega Qualified WatchmakerA woman in a hot air balloon drifting slowly, realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
The woman rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a conservative!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a progressive." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Odd politicization of an old joke...hadn't seen this version before.
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stu49520
·Here's a good joke to play on children.
For a kid aged 4 to 6, tell them they have a hole in each of their socks. Most will say "nuh-uh!". Insist they do and you can prove it without them even taking off their shoe. They'll usually again say they don't have a hole in their sock, to which you can reply "How'd you get your feet in?".
