Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread [No politics/religion]

UncleBuck · Aug 23, 2015

Good thread, by the way.

Wife goes upstairs to find Hubby shaving close, using cologne and playing soft music.
She asks, "what are you doing?"
Hubby replies, " getting ready for you, my love".
Wife says, "sorry, I have my ob/gyn exam tomorrow and I couldn't possibly, I want to be "fresh".

Hubby keeps humming soft music and dabbing cologne and wife again says "what are you doing?"

Hubby replies, "you wouldn't have a dentist appointment too, would you?"

Darlinboy · Aug 23, 2015

A man was relaxing one fine afternoon, lying on the grass and gazing up at the clouds.

Pondering on the nature of the world, he decided to talk to God.

"God", he asked, "how long is a billion years?"

God answered, "In My frame of reference, it's about a second."

The man then asked, "God, how much is a billion dollars?"

God answered, "To Me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God replied, "In a second."

Pvt-Public · Aug 24, 2015

TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY:

THE FOOD STAMP PROGRAM IS ADMINISTERED BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE. THEY PROUDLY REPORT THAT
"THEY DISTRIBUTE FREE MEALS AND FOOD STAMPS TO OVER 46 MILLION PEOPLE ON AN ANNUAL BASIS."

MEANWHILE, THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, RUN BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR, ASKS US "PLEASE DO NOT FEED
THE ANIMALS". THEIR STATED REASON FOR THIS POLICY BEING THAT... "THE ANIMALS WILL GROW DEPENDENT ON THE HANDOUTS AND THEN THEY WILL NEVER LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES."

THIS CONCLUDES TODAY'S LESSON.

CanberraOmega · Aug 24, 2015

Pvt-Public
TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY:

THE FOOD STAMP PROGRAM IS ADMINISTERED BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE. THEY PROUDLY REPORT THAT
"THEY DISTRIBUTE FREE MEALS AND FOOD STAMPS TO OVER 46 MILLION PEOPLE ON AN ANNUAL BASIS."

MEANWHILE, THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, RUN BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR, ASKS US "PLEASE DO NOT FEED
THE ANIMALS". THEIR STATED REASON FOR THIS POLICY BEING THAT... "THE ANIMALS WILL GROW DEPENDENT ON THE HANDOUTS AND THEN THEY WILL NEVER LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES."

THIS CONCLUDES TODAY'S LESSON.

If we are going down that route:
- The Cato Institute estimates that the U.S. federal government spends $100 billion a year on corporate welfare, including payments to 374 individuals on the plush Upper East Side of New York City, and others who own farms, including Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and Ted Turner. Wealthy heir Mark Rockefeller received $342,000 to NOT farm,
- $83 billion in interest rate subsidies to banks
- etc.
- etc.

gatorcpa · Aug 24, 2015

Pvt-Public
THIS CONCLUDES TODAY'S LESSON.

An important one, no doubt. But there's no reason to shout.
gatorcpa

Pvt-Public · Aug 24, 2015

Didn't mean to shout it was a copy and paste from an email, and I was too lazy to de-cap the whole thing.

UncleBuck · Aug 24, 2015

Margaritas tonight, so bear with me.
As terrible as these abuses are; I don't view abuse in the form of food as negatively as I view military arms abuse that plants land mines, the indiscriminate killer, like corn.
I'm a hippie veteran (google for translation) that regrets the war machine.

I guess we have hijacked a joke thread, aren't we supposed to mention Hitler by now?

Darlinboy · Aug 24, 2015

Pvt-Public
TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY:

THE FOOD STAMP PROGRAM IS ADMINISTERED BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE. THEY PROUDLY REPORT THAT
"THEY DISTRIBUTE FREE MEALS AND FOOD STAMPS TO OVER 46 MILLION PEOPLE ON AN ANNUAL BASIS."

MEANWHILE, THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, RUN BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR, ASKS US "PLEASE DO NOT FEED
THE ANIMALS". THEIR STATED REASON FOR THIS POLICY BEING THAT... "THE ANIMALS WILL GROW DEPENDENT ON THE HANDOUTS AND THEN THEY WILL NEVER LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES."

THIS CONCLUDES TODAY'S LESSON.

CanberraOmega
If we are going down that route:
- The Cato Institute estimates that the U.S. federal government spends $100 billion a year on corporate welfare, including payments to 374 individuals on the plush Upper East Side of New York City, and others who own farms, including Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and Ted Turner. Wealthy heir Mark Rockefeller received $342,000 to NOT farm,
- $83 billion in interest rate subsidies to banks
- etc.
- etc.

I read these a couple of times... Didn't find a joke anywhere. 😲

Now tell me a 🤬 joke.... :whipped:

==========
You Might Be A Republican If…..

You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”
You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty

You Might Be A Democrat If.......

You think "ethics" is an eastern European country.
You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names.
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were only willing to redistribute their wealth.
You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot or Nazi".
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a married man.
You oppose the death penalty, but support abortion.

You Might Be An Independent If.......

http://www.irs.gov/Businesses/Small-Businesses-&-Self-Employed/Independent-Contractor-Defined

JimInOz · Aug 24, 2015

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"

Spike · Aug 25, 2015

They've just announced the funniest joke at this years Edinburgh comedy festival................prepare yourselves.

"I've just removed all the German contacts from my phone.......it's now Hans free" ::rimshot::

Canuck · Sep 4, 2015

So, that's what happened to dinosaurs!

Darlinboy · Sep 4, 2015

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.😗

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.😉

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
🫨

Tony C. · Sep 4, 2015

What do you call a vintage Eberhard Contagraf that is owned by a particularly disagreeable woman? 🙄

Desirable - and shame on you for your first thought!

saturn1981 · Sep 4, 2015

Darlinboy
I love a good joke, but I am awful at telling them. Show me what you've got!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

An old mafia don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
-"You lissin-ta me. I wanna for youse to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
-"But grandpa, I really don't really like guns. How's about you leave me your gold Rolex Day Date President reference 1803 with serti Stella dial and non-quickset caliber 1556 instead?"
-"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna my business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you gold Rolex Day Date President reference 1803 with serti Stella dial and non-quickset caliber 1556 and a say, TIME'S UP?

Very good

JimInOz · Sep 4, 2015

Darlinboy
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.😗

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.😉

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
🫨

Wait until he gets "unmarried", then you learn about paying!

dennisthemenace · Sep 5, 2015

Three men get shipwrecked but manage to swim to shore on a small island, but they get captured by a tribe of fierce women.
They are stripped naked and tied to three trees.
One of the women tells the first man that she is going to remove his dick and asks him his occupation. He tells her that he is a lumberjack.
"then I will cut off your dick with an axe then" she tells him.
She tells the second man the same and asks his occupation and he tells her that he is a butcher.
"then I will cut off your dick with a boning knife" she tells him.
By this time the third man is grinning from ear to ear. She asks him what his occupation is and he tells her he is a vacuum cleaner salesman.

base615 · Sep 5, 2015

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known simply as "The Islands".

I guess that's more of a fact than a joke though.

Darlinboy · Sep 5, 2015

When Chuck Norris kicks the bucket....
The bucket dies.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

There used to be a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change it though.
Because anyone who crosses Chuck Norris dies.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.

base615 · Sep 5, 2015

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

ONEWATCH · Sep 13, 2015

The world’s two largest Killer Whales are swimming along outside a naval base when they spot a small naval patrol boat just sitting there rocking gently in the waves. He says to her, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s swim under that boat, blow a bunch of bubbles, swim off to the side and watch the sailors’ run around like crazy when the bubbles start rocking the boat.” She says, “OK.” The two swim way down under the boat and blow the bubbles. They then swim quickly off to the side and watch the sailors run in panic as the bubbles start rocking the boat. He says, “Boy, isn’t that great. Let’s do that again.” She says, “OK.” They do the same again except this time they blow more bubbles. After swimming off to the side they watch as the boat capsizes and all the sailors are thrown into the sea. As they struggle to save themselves, he says, “That reminds me that we have not eaten yet today.” She says, “No way. I went with the blowing but I am not going to swallow any seamen.”