All those jokes about Elizabeth Warren being a communist just aren’t funny... Unless everyone gets them.
A golf enthusiast tees up on the first hole, and shanks a shot into the woods. From a distance, he hears a yell of pain. As he approaches where his ball went, he sees that he's bonked a leprechaun on the head. He apologizes profusely: "I am so very sorry I hit you, sir. Are you alright?" "I'm fine, laddie," says the little man. "But because you've been so nice about it, I'm going to give you three wishes - I'll turn you into a scratch golfer, give you all the money you'll ever need, and give you an unbelievable sex life." The man responds, "That's very kind of you, but all I need is to know that you're okay, and that's enough for me." He then turns and walks away. The leprechaun, though, is so impressed that he decides to grant the three wishes anyway. About a month later, the same man is on the tee but this time hits an incredible 400 yards drive as straight as an arrow. The leprechaun pops out of the bushes. "How's your golf game been?,"he asks. "Come to think of it, it's been unbelievable over the last month." "Okay, and how ya doing for money,?" The leprechaun asks. "Really good, " the man says. "I always seem to have a pocket of $100 bills." "And how 'bout that sex life, eh? Pretty fantastic, I would imagine." The man blushes and says, "Not bad for a priest with a small parish..."
This is FUCKING hilarious: Rajesh and his wife Rupa are having hard financial times, So they decide she'll become a Hooker.. She's not quite sure what to do, So Rajesh says, "Stand in front of that pillar & pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is Five thousand rupees. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." Within five minutes a guy pulls up & says, "How much?" "Five thousand rupees." "Damn. All I've got is Two thousand." "Hold on.." she says & runs back to Rajesh "What can he get for Two thousand..?" "A Handjob" Rajesh replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for two thousand rupees is a Handjob.. ✊ He says ok, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants & out pops a very very HUGE male unit.. She stares at it for a minute & then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner & says breathlessly, "Rajesh, Will you lend him 3000 rupees for a night pleeese........?"
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, " Nova Scotia ." "Really," she said. "I have family in Nova Scotia ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
You know she's a joke, not some true thing has happened, right? See which part you're in - Tell me a Joke!
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a tin of beans on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with l*ust and took heavy advantage of her right there and then." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, sadly "We're not welcome at Tesco anymore either."
Not certain if this is the best place for my story but here goes anyway. Many years ago, when I was about seven years old, we went on a family holiday to America which included a trip to California. I don't know if it's still there but at the time there was an enormous aquarium in Los Angeles, and this was one of the places we visited. Us being kids, we were running about the place all excitedly and who should I (literally) bump into but Dean Martin, great singer and all round good guy who - as it turned out - also knew his marine biology and was looking around the place with his wife. Of course I had no idea who he was, but my Dad certainly did and was mortified to have put him out in any way. He needn't have worried as Dean made light of it and was happy to talk to us. He asked me and my sister what we thought of America (we loved it), chatted to my parents, and we ended up walking round the aquarium with them. Just as we turned a corner, there with its face up against the glass was one of the most evil-looking sea creatures I'd ever seen. It was like a giant eel, with nasty piggy eyes and big sharp teeth! My Dad said, "Bloody hell Dean, what sort of an eel is THAT?" Dean just smiled. "Oh, that?" he said....... ...."That's a Moray!"