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140dave
·Forgive if a repeat, but have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
(They are really making headlines here!)
(They are really making headlines here!)
Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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SpeedyPhill
·Job in Australia ...
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No, we only sell beer here." The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, " I told you yesterday - no! We only sell beer here." The duck leaves.
On the third day again the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender, by now getting pretty pissed, says, "No! I've told you three days running that we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your damn beak to the bar." So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar once again. But this time he asks the bartender "Do you have any nails"?
The bartender says "No."
The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No, we only sell beer here." The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, " I told you yesterday - no! We only sell beer here." The duck leaves.
On the third day again the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender, by now getting pretty pissed, says, "No! I've told you three days running that we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your damn beak to the bar." So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar once again. But this time he asks the bartender "Do you have any nails"?
The bartender says "No."
The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any grapes"?
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jove14
·Don't you think the designs for Dyson's vacuums suck!
Joe.
Joe.
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M'Bob
·Three old guys in a nursing home are complaining about their various problems.
The first: "When I get up to take a piss, I'm lucky if I get one friggin' drop!"
The second: "My problem is not too different - when I get up to take a crap, I push so hard I feel like I'm going to have another stroke, but I'm happy if I can push out a couple of pellets."
The third one, who has been listening intently, says, "Not me - I'm like a machine: at 7:25, I piss like a racehorse. At 7:30, I take a shit that would be the envy of anyone."
The other two are mildly annoyed by this, and curious, and almost say in unison, "Okay then, so what's your problem?
The third: I get up at 9:00...
The first: "When I get up to take a piss, I'm lucky if I get one friggin' drop!"
The second: "My problem is not too different - when I get up to take a crap, I push so hard I feel like I'm going to have another stroke, but I'm happy if I can push out a couple of pellets."
The third one, who has been listening intently, says, "Not me - I'm like a machine: at 7:25, I piss like a racehorse. At 7:30, I take a shit that would be the envy of anyone."
The other two are mildly annoyed by this, and curious, and almost say in unison, "Okay then, so what's your problem?
The third: I get up at 9:00...
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UncleBuck
··understands the decision making hierarchyThree old guys in a nursing home are complaining about their various problems.
The first: "When I get up to take a piss, I'm lucky if I get one friggin' drop!"
The second: "My problem is not too different - when I get up to take a crap, I push so hard I feel like I'm going to have another stroke, but I'm happy if I can push out a couple of pellets."
The third one, who has been listening intently, says, "Not me - I'm like a machine: at 7:25, I piss like a racehorse. At 7:30, I take a shit that would be the envy of anyone."
The other two are mildly annoyed by this, and curious, and almost say in unison, "Okay then, so what's your problem?
The third: I get up at 9:00...
Thanks, I'll get a lot of use out of this joke. It'll be huge with my crowd!
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JimInOz
··Melbourne Australia
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MyVintageOmega
·A Filipina visited a fortune teller 1st time and comes away with great news "That she was a Pharaoh in a previous life!" Now feeling empowered she went back to her job and demanded a raise and promotion. She was fired on the spot. Months after looking for a new job, she went back to the fortune teller and mentioned she was fired. "How could this happen, I was a Pharaoh in a previous life?" Fortune teller replied........."NO.......... I SAID SPARROW"!!!!!
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MyVintageOmega
·I was watching TV and my wife sat next to me
Wife: "What's on the TV?"
Me: "Dust."
And so the fight began...
Wife: "What's on the TV?"
Me: "Dust."
And so the fight began...
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GeorgeBailey2
·I was watching TV and my wife sat next to me
Wife: "What's on the TV?"
Me: "Dust."
And so the fight began...
Thank God, a punchline. No offense, but after the first one, I was worried that star is the answer to "What's on the TV?"
For those confused, go back about 15 to 25 pages and look at the usernames (last one on page 79 is a good example).
Also, love the old age home joke above. Pretty good wording. I posted my version a couple years ago. I remember where I heard it. In the early days of Showtime (cable network) they had a comedy competition called the Laugh-Off. A pre-SNL Eddie Murphy came in third or fourth in the NYC one. He had to have been either 17 or 18 years old. A guy named Steve Mittleman won that one.
Anyhow, in the LA Laugh-off a comic named Denny Johnston told the joke while doing an impression of John Wayne. He won that episode. My gut tells me Joe Bolster won the final.
PS - i still wouldn't be shocked if staristheanswer.
Edited:
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M'Bob
·PS - i still wouldn't be shocked if staristheanswer.
You mean, if we were playing Jeopardy, and someone said, "Alex, would the question be, 'who has the most likes to his jokes over at the OF?'"
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GeorgeBailey2
·You mean, if we were playing Jeopardy, and someone said, "Alex, would the question be, 'who has the most likes to his jokes over at the OF?'"
More like, "Who gets the most 'wut?'s to his jokes over at the OF?"
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p4ul
·A
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Meme-Dweller
·Invicta
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M'Bob
·Back at the nursing home, every night, without fail, one of the male residents visits one of the females there and they sit quietly watching Jeopardy, with her gently holding his penis.
One night, he fails to show up, and she goes searching for him down the hall, looking into each room. Finally, she spots him watching TV with another of the female residents, with his pants down around his ankles. Feeling crushed and betrayed, she turns quickly and heads back to her room.
The next day, at lunch, she gathers up the courage to confront him:
"We've had our little routine for years, and then just like that, you're in there with another woman doing our special thing. What's she got that I haven't got?"
"Parkinson's," he says.
One night, he fails to show up, and she goes searching for him down the hall, looking into each room. Finally, she spots him watching TV with another of the female residents, with his pants down around his ankles. Feeling crushed and betrayed, she turns quickly and heads back to her room.
The next day, at lunch, she gathers up the courage to confront him:
"We've had our little routine for years, and then just like that, you're in there with another woman doing our special thing. What's she got that I haven't got?"
"Parkinson's," he says.
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03Hemi
·How I Learned To Mind My Own Business.
As I was passing the mental institution's wooden fence, I heard a group of people chanting, "seven," "seven," "seven," "seven."
Being nosey and overcome with curiosity, I peeked through a knot hole in the fence and saw a group of people pacing in a circle waving big sticks.
About that time someone "poked" me in the eye with a stick!
As I walked away with my hand over my eye, I heard them chanting, "eight," eight," eight," eight."
As I was passing the mental institution's wooden fence, I heard a group of people chanting, "seven," "seven," "seven," "seven."
Being nosey and overcome with curiosity, I peeked through a knot hole in the fence and saw a group of people pacing in a circle waving big sticks.
About that time someone "poked" me in the eye with a stick!
As I walked away with my hand over my eye, I heard them chanting, "eight," eight," eight," eight."
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Edward53
·
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03Hemi
·
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alam
·
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alam
·The husband arrives home in the early morning hours, heavily intoxicated from alcohol and when the wife asked where’s he been, he’s so drunk that the only thing she can make up from his answer was “red star, golden toilet” before he passes out. The next day, the wife finds a book of matches with a Red Star Longe logo. She calls the phone number shown on the book of matches. A man answers “good morning, Red Star Lounge, can I help you?” The wife says, my husband came home drunk last night and mentioned something about a golden toilet — do you ....the man, interrupts and says “hold on a moment ma’am”.. and then she can hear him scream... “hey Joe, I found the guy who shit in your tuba”.
😜
😜
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