Son: "Dad, I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married for 25 years" Dad: "Never mind son. Maybe next time you will get a speaking part"
In the early hours of Saturday morning we had what we thought was an injured Haggis brought in. After listening to the wee thing shouting 'fair fa' your honest sonsie face....... Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie....' and 'some hae meat and canna eat' repeatedly for 2 hours, it was obvious he was suffering from severe Burns.
When I scrolled to this I actually spit my drink out of my mouth laughing. Good job my wife is out of town! Awesome!!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, "thanks, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?" I replied, "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical."
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
So I asked a Chinese lass for a phone number. I was over the moon when she said "- Sex, Sex, Sex!, Free sex! Tonight!". Then a friend of hers intervienied... "- Her number is 666-36-29"