Community Stories

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Darlinboy
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Yesterday, I ordered one chicken & one egg from Amazon.com












I will let you know. 😉
Edited:
 
Darlinboy
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Q. How does a mathematician scold her children?



A. “If I’ve told you n, I’ve told you n+1 times - don’t do that!
 
Darlinboy
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Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?


He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
 
Darlinboy
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C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar...

Bartender looks at them and says “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
 
Darlinboy
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The bartender says, “You’ll have to leave, we don’t serve time travelers here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.
 
Darlinboy
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René Descartes walks in to a bar, and the bartender says, “good evening sir, would you like a beer?”

Descartes, there for an armagnac, replied, “I think not.”

And promptly disappears.
 
Canuck
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Bit of a “Canuck” joke. Place names all in the province of Alberta. The Trudeau mentioned is our thoroughly despised (at least in the West) prime minister.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Alberta is planning to do its own, titled 'Survivor - Alberta Style.'

The contestants will start in Calgary, travel over to Brooks and Lethbridge .
Then, they will head north to Wainwright then up to Cold Lake.
From there they will proceed to Fort Mac, Slave Lake and Grand Prairie.

Then final leg will be back to Calgary !

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Quebec license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Conservatives suck. Trudeau is God. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'


The first one who makes it back to Calgary alive wins…
 
M'Bob
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A young man travels back to his home town to attend the funeral of his very elderly grandfather. Afterwards, when things settled down, he sat with his aged grandmother to extend his condolences:

"Grandma, I am so sorry about gramps."

"Why thank you honey, he had a long and vibrant life. In fact, even til the end, he made love to me every Sunday afternoon, slowly, to the rhythm of the church bells - in 'ding,' out, 'dong.'Then that fυcking ice cream truck came by..."
 
Darlinboy
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Q. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?







A. The slow swimmer.
::rimshot::
 
Fritz
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Canuck Canuck
Bit of a “Canuck” joke. Place names all in the province of Alberta. The Trudeau mentioned is our thoroughly despised (at least in the West) prime minister.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Alberta is planning to do its own, titled 'Survivor - Alberta Style.'

The contestants will start in Calgary, travel over to Brooks and Lethbridge .
Then, they will head north to Wainwright then up to Cold Lake.
From there they will proceed to Fort Mac, Slave Lake and Grand Prairie.

Then final leg will be back to Calgary !

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Quebec license plates and a HUGE bumper sticker that reads: I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Conservatives suck. Trudeau is God. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns.'


The first one who makes it back to Calgary alive wins…

the above will be carried on the CBC with tons of promotional ads for Trudeau, gluten free beer and veggie burgers, additionally enough of the good parts will be bleeped out that you'll get a better version of the race by watching the evening traffic reports on the Lethbridge CTV evening news.

Fittingly, It will later be reported that one of the Volvos has turned up in Brandon, Manitoba. Repainted in matt black/grey camo pattern, lowered, with a tuned engine, a great set of antlers bolted to the hood and the trunk full of Labatt 50 empties, it will still be wearing its Quebec plates but will be driven by a member of the local RCMP detachment...

and he'll be found to have a suspended drivers licence.
 
incogtom
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The ten year nephew is mastering his timing:
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because it was too chicken
 
UncleBuck
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incogtom incogtom
The ten year nephew is mastering his timing:
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because it was too chicken
He must be a Klingon because this doesn't compute with Starship Buck.
Everybody knows that the chicken did cross the road to prove to the armadillos and the opossums that it can be done.

The Nephew needs material, where does a General hide his Army?
In his sleevey!

This is the extent of my 10 yr. old humo(u)r.
Edited:
 
UncleBuck
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Maybe one more, what do you get when Lassie dated a cantaloupe?
A melon collie baby!
 
JimInOz
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I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday.
The first thing it did when I got it home was make a bolt for the door.
 
JimInOz
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a slab of VB stubbies and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $35 for 24 stubbies" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $70 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 stubbies of VB and it's half the price!"






That's him on Aisle 5
 
redpcar
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JimInOz JimInOz
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a slab of VB stubbies and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $35 for 24 stubbies" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $70 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 stubbies of VB and it's half the price!"






That's him on Aisle 5


Store clerk: "Clean up on aisle 5" ::rimshot::
 
Darlinboy
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.




That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and...

you’ll have their shoes.
 
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