Such a Classic!

 

Talking classics...……...The administrator of a nursing home was visiting with his residents, as was his usual practice before going home for the night. His last stop was with an older lady who had sold her belongings, given the proceeds to her children, and was in the home under Medicare. As he listened to her, he absent-mindedly began eating from a small dish of peanuts next to her bed. By the time he was ready to leave, he had eaten all the peanuts from the dish. Suddenly he realized that this lady had practically nothing in the whole world. Somehow his finishing off her dish of peanuts took on enormous symbolic importance, and guilt weighed heavily on him all night...…..The next day, on his way to work, he stopped and bought a huge can of peanuts. The first thing on his mind when he reached the nursing home was to present it to the older lady, with an apology for eating what little she had left in the world."Awww, that's okay young man," rasped the lady. "I really don't even like peanuts," she said. "I just like to suck the chocolate off 'em."

 

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...

You can't tell me THAT's just a coincidence....

 

A man walked inro a bar......




OUCH

 

I tried to catch some fog yesterday.

But I mist.

 

A guy gets arrested for making obscene comments to women in the street. The court orders a mandatory psych exam.

The doctor shows him a series of Rorschach test ink blots.

"What do you see here," says the doctor.

"Two dogs f**king."

"How about this one?"

"Two cows f**king."

"And what's about this?"

"Two butterflies f**ing."

The doctor says, "Clearly, sir, you have some sort of sexual obsession."

"Me?" The man yells. "You're the one showing the dirty pictures!"

 

My wife told me I was being immature.



I told her to get out of my fort.

 

Was mugged today - the robber got my watch, wallet, and mood ring.



I’m not sure how I feel about that.

 

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.






Then they call me ugly & poor.

 

Not sure if this is the correct forum to post this but I’ll ask anyway.

Ok guys, I need your help.
Recently I have become suspicious that my wife of nearly 10 years has been having an affair. She goes out without telling me where she is going and comes home late. She never dresses up nice for me anymore but goes out made up to the nines. I started to worry about a fortnight ago when she started making excuses in 'the bedroom'.
Anyway, rightly or wrongly I decided to follow her yesterday afternoon. She thought that I was working but I knew something was up so I crept out and managed to get to my car and follow her without her seeing me. She drove about 2 miles and parked up outside a house and climbed out of her car. I saw her straighten her dress before she walked to the door of the house and disappear inside.
I sat there thinking about all the good times we'd had over the years and felt myself becoming desperate. What would I do without her?
She finally reappeared what seemed like an age later. I glanced down at my watch to check the time and discovered that I've scratched my Seamaster bezel insert. Do I send it for a service of just replace the insert?

 

Well played.

Now get a avatar!

 

I like where your priorities lie , I would definately take it a AD for a second opinion .

 

A man glanced out his front window, waiting anxiously for his mistress to arrive. Finally spotting her parking her car and climbing out, he stepped closer to the window, admiring her form as she approached and stopped a moment to straighten her dress before knocking softly on the door and quickly slipping inside.

“Late again!”, the man said, looking down at his solid gold diamond-encrusted Rolex Daytona Superlative Chronometer Officially Certified. “But of course well worth the wait,” he quickly added as she hurried into his arms and kissed him passionately.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said coming up for air, “but I thought you were worried that your husband was getting suspicious? Won’t he miss you again this afternoon?”

“I took care of that, and it’s why I’m a bit late,” she replied with a smirk, “I sneaked into his dressing room and put a little scratch on his Seamaster bezel insert before I left. He’ll be staring at if for hours and obsessing over how it could have happened!”

“An Omega Seamaster!” the man said rolling his eyes, “that poor bastard really doesn’t deserve you!”

 

No longer caring about his wife, the man sped off in his Toyota to speak with his watchmaker. The man inside, despite being satisfied with the good sex he had just enjoyed, was annoyed that his mistress hadn't noticed the new Rolex. It was Officially Certified after all.

Just then, she looked to her left and saw an average looking, quite tall, man walking toward her. "Hello," he said, elegantly doffing a cap he wasn't actually wearing.

Not having been satisfied by the man inside, the woman began thinking that this new gentleman might just be worth a quick romp. "There is something about him," she thought.

Two hours later, the two were exhausted.

"I never knew talking about watches could be so stimulating," she admitted, blushing slightly.

They hugged.

"I'm so glad you liked my Speedmaster," the gentleman replied.

 

A guy picks up a young, hot gal at a bar, and takes her home. While engaging in the preliminary overtures in bed, she notices his Omega Speedmaster.

"Wow," she says. "Nice watch. What are all the little bottoms for?"

"They time things. It's a chronograph," he says. "I'll show you how it works while we're making love."

"Interesting," she says. "Does the big hand always stop after ten seconds?"

 

I needed a password eight characters long.


So I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 

What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters.