Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Nobody would pay you for the stuff you post on the MB. And, NO! Nobody (not even Costco) is paying me a dime.

I know that. It was a tongue-and-cheek reference to the fact that two of your recent jokes involved Costco.

A backpacker is traveling through Greece when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby taverna. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the backpacker introduces himself and asks the older man his name. The older guy turns to the backpacker and says. "You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands for the village. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the hot days, but do they call me Miguel the bar builder? ...like f-ck they do." ....He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? and all the walls around the village. I built them with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the heat and dust, but do they call me Miguel the wall builder? No."...."Do you see that harbour down there and all those wooden fishing boats? I built them with my own bare hands, But do they call me Miguel boat builder? No."...……….."I tell you.... you just happen to shag just one goat!"

A guy notices one afternoon before taking a shower that his penis is orange. He freaks out, and makes an appointment with his doctor the very next day. The doctor is perplexed, but gives him some creme to use that helps. However, the problem returns, and he goes back to the physician.

The doctor says, "Does this problem seem to happen at a particular time of day?"

"Yes," says the patient. "It seems to occur in the afternoon, right before my shower."

"Have you recently changed any of your afternoon activities,?" asked the doctor.

"Nope," says the patient. "Still eating Cheetos and watching videos..."

Death by innuendo (Italian for suppository) – a mostly true story from today.

My wife noticed some pre-packed food (Almonds) from a past shop had gone off. We did our weekly supermarket shop today and as there was a comely young lady on the customer service desk I volunteered to take it back.
For some reason I could not seem to find right words to describe my problem…. ''How can I help you sir?''..... Well I am not sure how to put this, but I have not touched it/nobody has eaten it and my nut bag has swollen….. ''May I see it sir'' ….. I let her handle it and she confirmed it was unusually swollen. She then said she would not touch it further as it looked like it might pop. Fixing me we a cold stare the young lady then advised me that she had also noticed I was well past my best before date and that she felt unable to deal with the matter. She also said a nut bag that swollen might be dangerous or not nice to eat, but might still be good for milking. She then called a much older manageress over … The manageress looked at me and said …. ‘’Your nuts?’’ but she also immediately seemed much keener to take the matter in hand. She told me she would personally ensure I got a good level of service. She then grabbed the sac and gave it a good hard squeeze…..but immediately looked very disappointed and advised me she was very sorry to say that not only were my nuts soft ……but in addition they had gone off prematurely….. ..I got a refund on my points card :0)…… My wife has said next time she is taking any products back and is still wondering why I did not just say that the product bag had inflated with gas……

Don’t need to use small things in my neck of the woods

RIP Freddie Star. A flawed genius crucified by the media and underappreciated by the public. Known for his madcap physical comedy I think this clip of three true heavyweights is a masterclass of comedy timing, comedic authority and how less can be more… all delivered while sitting next to one of the greatest most significant and celebrated sports figures of the 20th century in front of a large live audience on a prime time TV show…. Also, fair play to Muhammad Ali – a great sportsman and clearly a great sport happy to be entertained by one of the best.''If my entire trip to England was just for that joke it was worth it''....pure jesters joy :0)

Glad one falls for fake shinny things easily enough 😉