What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

 

When I told the doctor that my crossword puzzle obsession was making me depressed, he told me not to get two down.

 

Didn’t have the best day today, this helped me pick up my spirits a bit. Thanks guys

 

What does being Irish have to do with this?

 

Because they both hit the nearest pub immediately after work. Don't you have any Irish friends?

 

Old but gold

 

Space Bar?

have fun
kfw

 

Space bar! Got it! Am I the only one who didn’t twig to that one?

 

A Guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet in a posh
hotel..

He sat down and noticed four buttons -

WW, WA, PP & APR...

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER,

he loved it so much..!!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it....

He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered..,

He decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital

A Nurse smiled & told him

"Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER.

Your balls are in the jar over there.......

 

A woman was in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of the nurses was washing her private area and noticed there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her there. They tried it again, and sure enough, there was a sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will bring her out of her coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. "WHAT HAPPENED?"
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."

 

Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.

 

There are some clowns going around making jokes about Roman numerals and I is one...…...

 

At the interview they asked me my biggest weakness .....and I said it was being honest...…they told me that they did not see honesty as a weakness and I told the interview board that frankly I did not give a flying fcuk what they think :0)

 

…….