Forums Latest Members

Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    Q. What do an opinionated bloviating asshole and a harsh laxative have in common?

    A. They both irritate the s::censored::t out of you.

    ::rimshot::
     
    Edited Aug 30, 2018
  2. M'Bob Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    6,344
    Likes
    17,956
    Or you what?
     
  3. M'Bob Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    6,344
    Likes
    17,956
    Why it's okay to make fun of wives:

    Over the years, a lot of jokes have been bounced because they insult a particular group in society. No need to name them, you all know what is, and is not off-limits. So why are wife jokes universally tolerated?

    I think one tenant of comedy that is generally accepted is that, within any society, it's not out of bounds if the underclass makes fun of the ruling class...but not the reverse. So why then are wife jokes permitted? I think you have your answer...
     
  4. michael22 Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    1,790
    Likes
    1,897
    To look at the above wife joke ( @X350 XJR ), is it making fun of the wife, who behaved quite normally?
    Or is it really a husband joke, who behaves like a dopey redneck?

    It's the reader's interpretation, as always.
     
  5. BlackTalon This Space for Rent Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    5,160
    Likes
    8,343
    I can unequivocally state my wife dos not tolerate wife jokes. I have found this out on more then one occasion. ::shy::

    Thankfully my memory is short, so the next time I hear a good one I usually tell it to her.
     
    Wivac, Paedipod and M'Bob like this.
  6. michael22 Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    1,790
    Likes
    1,897
    I've always thought that everyone is fair game, as long as the joke is actually funny. I know from experience that a lot of people disagree, though. Probably a good instance for democracy to prevail.
     
    marco and Darlinboy like this.
  7. Edward53 Aug 30, 2018

    Posts
    3,127
    Likes
    5,384
    Funnily enough, my wife went missing a week ago. The police were here this afternoon telling me to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shops to get all her clothes back. ::rimshot::::rimshot::::rimshot::::psy::::psy::::psy::::stirthepot::::stirthepot::::stirthepot::
     
    marco, Pun, Wivac and 3 others like this.
  8. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Aug 31, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
    =====
    What's the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent opinionated bloviating asshole?

    There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
    =====
    What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
    A pick-pocket snatches watches ...::rimshot::
     
    Wivac likes this.
  9. Canuck Aug 31, 2018

    Posts
    13,377
    Likes
    37,537
    The difference between a carnival and a burlesque show? One is a cunning array of stunts.
     
    LouS likes this.
  10. Edward53 Sep 1, 2018

    Posts
    3,127
    Likes
    5,384
    I came home the other day to find a note on the fridge door from my wife. It said, "This isn't working. I'm leaving you."

    I opened the door, the beer was cold. It seemed fine to me.
     
    marco, Pun, Mouse_at_Large and 2 others like this.
  11. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 1, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    What is the difference between a battery and an opinionated bloviating asshat?

    A battery has a positive side.

    ::rimshot::
     
  12. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 3, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    Paedipod, kkt and Fritz like this.
  13. Wryfox Sep 4, 2018

    Posts
    2,607
    Likes
    11,185
    redpcar, akshayluc420 and Paedipod like this.
  14. JimInOz Melbourne Australia Sep 4, 2018

    Posts
    15,404
    Likes
    32,170
    Not funny!

    I remember going to do exactly that to my No 1 during an ex, thought it'd be a good prank, but then another smart arse on the ex crept up behind me and popped a balloon.

    Brown corduroys was my dress of the day after that :D.
     
    Darlinboy, Paedipod and redpcar like this.
  15. optsdan Sep 4, 2018

    Posts
    152
    Likes
    256
    Darlinboy likes this.
  16. redpcar Sep 4, 2018

    Posts
    3,669
    Likes
    7,725
    A man and his wife were having dinner at a nice restaurant. The wife was just about to begin her soup but accidentally bumped the spoon onto the floor. Before she could reach down to pick it up, a nearby waiter was there with another soup spoon.
    Wife: Wow! How did you know that I would need a soup spoon? Are you clairvoyant?
    Waiter: No ma'am. Our restaurant did an efficiency study and found that the number 1 item needed by the customers is a clean soup spoon and we waste 12 mins per shift running to the kitchen for a new spoon so we are required to carry a spare soup spoon at all times.
    Wife: Ingenious. I'm sorry but you have a piece of yarn hanging out of your fly. You might want to go to the back and remove it.
    Waiter: No ma'am. It's part of the same study. They also found that we waste 15 mins per shift washing our hands after we urinate. The yarn is tied to my penis. That way I don't have to touch it.
    Wife: Ingenious. Wait. That explains how you get it out without your hands. How do you get it back in?
    Waiter: I don't know about everyone else, but I use the soup spoon.
     
    sjg22, CdnWatchDoc, X350 XJR and 6 others like this.
  17. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 9, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    For the first time a country boy and his mother visited the big city. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver panels that moved apart with a musical “ding,” revealing a small room, then slid back together again.

    The boy asked, 'What’s that Mother?' The mother responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

    While the boy and his mother continued watching, a fat old drunken man staggered up to the panels and pressed a button.The panel slid open and the man burped, then farted & entered the small room.

    The panels slid closed and as the boy and his mother watched, the small circular numbers above the walls began to light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the lights reached the last number, stopped for a moment, and then began to light in reverse order.

    Finally the panels slid open again and a handsome muscular young man stepped out.

    The mother gasped and turned to her son, “Honey, quick... go get your father!”
     
  18. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Sep 9, 2018

    Posts
    8,727
    Likes
    69,007
    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so the coroner sent for his two best friends, Tony and Joe.

    The three men had always done everything together, and were considered to be inseparable.

    Joe arrived first, and when the coroner opened the morgue drawer and pulled back the sheet, Joe said, 'Dang, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him up on his side and let me see the backside.”

    The mortician rolled uo the body and Joe took a quick look and said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

    The coroner, thought this was rather strange, since she was fairly certain it was Bubba. So she brought Tony in to take a look. Tony looked at the body and said, 'Gawd, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Tony peered carefully at the body’s back side, then shook his head said, 'No, it definitely ain't Bubba.'

    The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

    Tony said, 'Well ya see, Bubba had TWO assholes!'

    “What? Two assholes?' asked the coroner, “I’ve never heard of that!”

    “Yup,” said Tony, “Now WE never seen 'em you understand,” nodding towards Joe, “But wherever we went, folks used to say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.”

    ::stirthepot::
     
    Longbow, sjg22, kkt and 4 others like this.
  19. GuiltyBoomerang Sep 9, 2018

    Posts
    1,727
    Likes
    5,927
    It's the daytime, and a prime minister and his driver are travelling in a remote outback area. Suddenly, a pig trots across the road and they crash right into it.

    "Well," says the prime minister, "I guess I'll go apologise to the owners for killing the pig."

    "No sir," replies the driver, "I was the one driving, so it was my fault I didn't stop in time. Wait here sir, and I'll be back shortly."

    The driver steps out of the car and the prime minister watches him go to the nearby farmhouse and knock on the front door. The door opens, the driver says a few words, and is then suddenly pulled into the farmhouse. The prime minister has no idea what has happened and, fearing for safety, waits in the car.

    Hours pass and it is evening when the driver comes out of the farmhouse and back to the car. The prime minister notes that he is walking and wobbling at the same time, and is clutching a half opened bottle of champagne. Tired and bleary eyed, the prime minister is a mixture of both anger and concern for one of his most devoted political followers.

    "What happened in there? I was worried you were hurt or worse!"

    "Oh it was amazing sir. The farmer grabbed me by the hand, joyfully introduced me to his two daughters, and we spent the day drinking and passionately making love."

    "What did you say to him?"

    "Sir, my exact words were: "Mate, I'm the prime minister's driver, and I just killed the pig."
     
    Edited Sep 10, 2018
    monti, Longbow, sjg22 and 8 others like this.
  20. Thalia Sep 10, 2018

    Posts
    5
    Likes
    6
    Sleep with an open window tonight!

    1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

    One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.