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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. Finners May 30, 2018

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    I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays'
     
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  2. staristheanswer Jun 1, 2018

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    Father tells his son:
    -Abel,go at the neighbor and ask him to give us his hammer.
    His son does so and after a while he returns empty handed and says:
    -Father I asked him but he didn't want to give it!
    Than his father says:
    -How did this world become so mean.
    -You ask the neighbor to give his hammer and he doesn't....it is a hammer for god's sake.
    -Son.
    -Yes father!
    -Go get ours.
     
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  3. Zuke Jun 1, 2018

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    @staristheanswer I think I have to agree with one of the other members on here (I think it was @M'Bob). Some of your jokes really aren't jokes or if they are jokes they simply aren't that funny.
     
  4. ulackfocus Jun 1, 2018

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    Why hasn't the Gong been struck on staristheanswer?

    Maybe we should petition the mods to delete his lame posts.
     
  5. Zuke Jun 1, 2018

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    @ulackfocus If he doesn't get the message soon, then I'm a +1 for that idea.
     
  6. mayankyadav Jun 1, 2018

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    I have read several version of this story over the last few years.
     
  7. Finners Jun 1, 2018

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    I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust

    I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.

    bada boom.
     
  8. sjg22 Jun 1, 2018

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    A little boy kills a butterfly.
    “No butter for two weeks,” says his dad.
    The little boy kills a honeybee.
    “No honey for two weeks,” says his dad.
    Mom kills a cockroach.
    The little boy turns to his dad and says,
    “Are you going to tell or should I?”
     
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  9. staristheanswer Jun 1, 2018

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    Because you don't find it funny or some other people it doesn't mean that it is not funny.
    If it is funny for at least one person than the joke has accomplished it's purpose I guess.
    There are many jokes that I don;t find funny but many other likes them,I don't accuse the person that said the joke.
    It is your opinion and I respect that but you and some other members that think too much of themselves,should respect my right to say
    whatever I want as long as I didn't offend anyone and the topic here is tell me a joke so that is what I did.
    Salut
     
  10. M'Bob Jun 1, 2018

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    I disagree. This is a public forum, and if the consensus is that what you post is not funny, in a section that solicits jokes, then you should cease, even if you find them funny yourself. There is no famous comedian you can point to that became that way because only one person found his material witty. There is a certain universality to comedy. And, again, no disrespect, but I don't think that what you are posting is so sublime that others can be accused of not getting it as a viable explanation.
     
  11. redpcar Jun 1, 2018

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    Check some Andy Kaufman archives. Many of his routines pleased only himself.

    That said, I find it tiresome to see some of the lame and politically incorrect "jokes". I simply don't click "like" and move on. I do enjoy the jousting, however. It's the reason I keep on reading :)

    Is this a public forum? I believe the moderators can ax anything they want.
     
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  12. Canuck Jun 1, 2018

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    One of the funniest jokes I have ever heard, I posted here about one month ago. It had to do with a particular demographic of young men stripping cars. Many liked it, but one person, just ONE, took offence to it and it was scrubbed! There is a variety of reasons a joke might be pulled. Not being funny is not one of them. Do I see that the “Who is minding the store” joke was pulled? Good! Not only did it cross the line, it wasn’t funny.
     
  13. STANDY schizophrenic pizza orderer and watch collector Jun 1, 2018

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    Maybe if the joke was offensive to the one person who has indigenous heritage. Thats enough for me.
    This is a watch forum and social media and for someone like myself who holds a senior government position its not what i come here to see or read.

    Just saying @Canuck
     
  14. ulackfocus Jun 1, 2018

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    Yes, it is a public forum with no cost to join. However, it's not a democracy nor even a republic, and your continued membership can be terminated at any time. Luckily, you have to give the guys a REALLY good reason.
     
  15. Canuck Jun 1, 2018

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    If I were a moderator, and if someone was to repeat a joke on this forum, disparaging my Scottish heritage, (Scots are often the butt of jokes), I’d Laugh it off. I try to dismiss a lot of stuff that pops up on this MB.
     
  16. Pun Jun 1, 2018

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    I don’t know if it’s told here before......

    A young boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money ... he calls home.

    "Dad" he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

    They actually have a program here in our institution that will teach our dog,Jack, how to talk!"

    "That's amazing,"his father says. "How do I get Jack in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $10,000" the young boy says " and I'll get him in the course."

    So his father sends the dog and$10,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

    The boy calls home.

    "So how's Jack doing son?" his father asks.

    "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    "Read ??"says his father.

    "No kidding! How do we get Jack in that program?"

    "Just send $20,000, I'll get him in the class."

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

    At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

    So he shoots the dog!!!

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    "Where's Jack? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    "Dad" the boy says, "I have some grim news.

    Last morning, just before we left to drive home, Jack was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Financial Times, like he usually does. Then Jack turned to me and asked,

    "So, is your father still having an affair with that pretty lady Rachelwho lives down the street ?"

    The father went white and exclaimed ... "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, dad!

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to law school and is now a politician.
     
  17. staristheanswer Jun 2, 2018

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    -Judge : Hello Mr. John.
    You were a witness to the event,can you tell us please,what happened?
    -Witness: Yes your honor.
    I was driving my car and I wanted to pee badly,so I stopped the car
    and went near a bush to relieve myself and what I saw,the lady on the left and
    the gentleman on the right,f**king!
    -Judge : MR.JOHN ,THIS KIND OF LANGUAGE IS NOT ALLOWED IN THE COURT.
    -Witness: I'm sorry but how am I supposed to say it?
    -Judge: Say it like this : they were mating!!
    -Witness: Okay your honor.
    As I said before,I was driving my car and I wanted to pee badly,so I stopped the car
    and went near a bush to relieve myself and what I saw,the lady on the left and
    the gentleman on the right, erm mating!
    I looked a little better,they were f**king!
     
  18. Canuck Jun 2, 2018

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    ::facepalm2::
     
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  19. Archer Omega Qualified Watchmaker Jun 2, 2018

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    Great example of false equivalency there Doug...
     
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  20. M'Bob Jun 2, 2018

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    Interesting issues you two raise.

    Here in the States, there is a live comedy show called "Saturday Night Live," where the black cast member routinely do skits that perpetuate black stereotypes. It's okay if they do it, but obviously would not be acceptable if the white cast members said the same thing.

    So, is the telling of jokes dealing with racial, religious, or disability themes acceptable, if the teller of the joker is a member of that class? My friend is legally blind he often tells people he should have listened to his mother about masterbation. This puts everyone around him who does not know him well at ease, but could I get away with telling it? Depends. I once said in front of a group of strangers that he went blind masterbating, and he responded, "Hey, I told you that in confidence!"

    Richard Pryor routinely made fun of the way white people spoke, danced, had sex, etc., and everyone thought it was hilarious, including white folk. But no white comedian could get away with the same thing without being a racist. Because, yes, there is not equivalency there: blacks have been an oppressed class, and oppressed or persecuted members of society have always been given a pass to make fun of the ruling class. So, not such a simple issue.