A guy is telling his friend that he has a new job. His friend asks about his job. He answers that he is a diesel fitter in a panty hose factory. His friend asks what a diesel fitter might do in a panty hose factory. The guy answers that his job is in the quality control department. He holds a pair of panty hose up by the waist band, allows them to unfurl, and pronounces, “Ya, dese’ll fit’er”.
As a boy of 7 or 8, I was riding with my Grandma to Church, Grandpa never went much. We passed a grocery store and out front were two dogs, one on top of the other. "Grandma, look at those dogs, what are they doing?" "Jimmy, the one dog must have hurt his two front paws and the other dog is helping it by letting it ride on it's back." After I pondered a while I said, "you know Grandma, Grandpa was right." "How's that, Jimmy?", she replied. "Grandpa told me that if you try to help someone out, they'll stick it in your ass every time!"
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a Synagogue. The auditor is reviewing all the checks and turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS " "To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to the IRS and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you!"
A Priest and a Rabbi are on a plane, they got to talking and after a good conversation on scripture.... The Priest asks the Rabbi "I know you can't eat Pork, but...you know..have you ever tried it?" The Rabbi sighs and says "Yes, I once gave in to temptation and took a bite of a Ham sandwich" They were quiet for a while and then the Rabbi asks the Priest "I know you can't have sex, but...you know..have you ever...? The priest sighs and says "Yes, when I was young I found a girl so beautiful I couldn't help myself" They were quiet again for a while and then the Rabbi says "Well, that beats a ham sandwich......"
Two guys in a Moscow public washroom, using the communal trough for the expected purpose. The one guy asks the othe guy if he’s from Murmansk. The other guy confirms that he is, and asks how he knew. Guy 1 answers that his brother is a rabbi there, and that he cuts them on the bias. He then complains the guy is peeing on his shoe.
An Eskimo drops off his car at the shop for repair. Later that day, he stops by for an update. The car mechanic says, "You blew a seal." The Eskimo says,"No; that's just ice in my mustache."
After many years of negotiating, the Republican National Committee has finally entered into an agreement to acquire a new song to be their anthem. Surprisingly they purchased the rights to this song from CHER. They did have to pay her 10 million dollars for the rights to it but the RNC said it fits them so perfectly at this time. Guess Guess Guess Gypsies, tramps and thieves. Go ahead and groan but it is so true.
Pretty sure those lyrics work for any of the US Gov't parties over the few decades. Probably for the last couple of centuries, too.
The human cannonball lost his job. His pink slip indicated he was terminated because management had hired a man of higher caliber.
It goes like this. The rabbit goes at lioness home and knocks at the front door. Two little lions answer the door and the rabbit asks them. -Where is the lioness? The cubs answer -At work. And the rabbit says -When she'll be back tell her that the rabbit wants to f*** her The little lions did as he told them,they said at the lioness so. The lioness got so mad but she did nothing. Next day same thing happened and the day after that so the lioness frustrated stayed home and was waiting for the rabbit to come. He knocks on the door and the lioness answers. When he saw the lioness he started to run fast and the lioness was after him he was running as fast as he could and the lioness still behind he entered at a gap on a trunk of a tree and the lioness enters too but got stuck there right in the middle. The rabbit seeing she couldn't move at all goes behind her and start f***ing her and says: -I could f*** you at you home but I didn't want your cubs to watch the scene.
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