A man was out golfing with his wife and came up to a dogleg par 4. Teed it up and hooked it dramatically to a nearby field behind a barn. Man: Crap. Now I'm going to have to chip it back into the fairway. Wife: Hey, look at this, if you open the barn doors on both sides, you have a clear shot at the green. Man: You're right. And so they open the doors and the man pulls out his 4 iron only to hit the ball too high. It bounces of the rafters and hit his wife right between the eyes and kills her. Two weeks later, the same man was golfing with his best friend. On the same hole he hits the exact same tee shot. Friend: Hey, look at this, if you open the barn doors on both sides, you have a clear shot at the green. Man: Are you crazy??!! I tried that a couple of weeks ago and took an 8 on this hole.
I was crawling home through rush hour traffic, swapping places with a motorcycle. Every time we came to a red light, he'd filter through the traffic, pull in front of me ... and fall off. I couldn't decide if he was drunk, a lousy rider or something else but at the third red, he fell off again and the bike fell on his leg, trapping him. I jumped out and pulled the bike up, asking if he was alright? Physically he was fine but he seemed embarrassed, upset, unsure of himself and started to cry. He said his wife had died a few weeks ago and, since then, he'd not ridden. He decided to take the bike out for the first time that day and just couldn't balance properly. I was a little confuse by that, wondering if he had some emotional issue, maybe he'd had a stroke ... and as I was running through all the possibilities in my mind he said: "Maybe I shouldn't have taken off the sidecar?"
Moses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot, 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees. Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours down, and a stream rises among the trees. the golf ball, floating on top, finds its way into the mouth of a fish. then a bird flies down and takes the fish and the ball out over the green, and drops it in the cup for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to Moses with a satisfied grin, and Moses says, 'look. you wanna play golf or you wanna fuck around?'
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist? A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Three men are discussing the meaning of savior-faire. The first man says, "Let me give an example: A man comes home early from work and goes up to the bedroom. He opens the door and finds his wife in bed with another man. He says, 'Excuse me' and then closes the door. That is savior-faire." The second man says, "No, a better example is: A man comes home early from work and goes up to the bedroom. He opens the door and finds his wife in bed with another man. He says, 'Excuse me...please continue'. That is savior-faire." The third man says, "No, a true example is: A man comes home early from work and goes up to the bedroom. He opens the door and finds his wife in bed with another man. He says, 'Excuse me, please continue' and the other man is able to continue. THAT is savior-faire."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?' The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.' The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!' The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.' The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!' He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'
Haha, my dad used to tell us that one when I was very young.....punchline was $1.50 and hour. Probably heard it thousands of times. Baffled my sister constantly.
Manchester police have just announced that they have arrested Mick Hucknall. He was found in a field having sex with a rabbit while singing Holding back the ears and Bunny's too tight to mention.
When my brother was sent to jail he didn't handle it well. He screamed and shouted at anyone who came near him, refused all food and drink, and even smeared his own excrement on the walls. That's the last time we play Monopoly in this house.