Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.


It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.I would not make up this stuff.

 

One guy (G) drove through the red light and was caught by policeman (P)
P: Give me your license
G: Sorry, I don't have one
P: Get out from the car
G: I can't, I'm too drunk
P: Are you armed?
G: Of course
P: Open the trunk
G: If I'll do it the bomb will blow up

The policeman calls for help, SWAT, helicopter etc.
The sheriff (S) comes to the scene.
S: Where is this terrorist?
G: Don't know what you are talking about, here is my license
S: Are you drunk?
G: No way
S: Give me your gun
G: I'm not armed
S: Where is the bomb?
The guy opens the trunk, there is nothing inside.

S to P: Are you f* crazy?! A lot of people here, what for?
P: But... drunk, bomb...
G to S: Yes, just listen to him. He even dreamed that I drove through the red light.

 

A piece of string and his three friends walk into a bar.

The string goes up to get a drink and the bartender looks at him and says, " Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string ties himself in a loop and unravels one end on top of his head and then goes up to the bar again.

The bartender goes, "Hey, aren't you that string that was just here?"

And the string goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

 

What's worse than finding a worm in you apple?







































AIDS

 

A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything.

He goes up to the counter with it and the woman at the counter says, "Lemme me guess... you're single?"

And he sarcastically says, "Yeah, how could you tell?"

And she says, "Because you're really ugly."

 

What's worse than finding a worm in you apple?

 

Finding HALF of a worm!

 

A murderer is dragging a woman into the woods: She says "I don't like it in these woods!... it's all dark and scary!!!"
Murderer says "You're scared???... I'VE GOTTA WALK BACK OUT ALL ON MY OWN!!!

 

To Ma & PA
NORTH
DAKOTAFARM

Marines (PARRIS ISLAND
MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and
Pa,

I am well.
Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.I was
restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you
do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to itch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to
lay. Practically nothing.Men got to
shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city
boys can't walk much.We go on
'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at
home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks.The sergeant
is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.This next
will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you
like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there
all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.Then we have
what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan
from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined
up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"
and near 300 pounds dry.Be sure to
tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto
this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving
daughter,
Alice


=






--

Have a nice

 

Your loving
daughter,
Alice

That nearly caused a keyboard v single malt interaction .

 

@Canuck

Ditto! Will be stealing this one.

 

Speaking of scotch, this one about Alice came from a watch collector acquaintance who lives near Glasgow, Scotland.

 

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"...
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

 

See, the correct answer at at question two is "I like being married TO YOU. But nobody could replace you, honey"

 

Dearest One
Please I am writing this massage to you with a weight of sorrow in my heart of which I know that is only you that can help me in this situation that I am now. Has a respected and God fearing person that you are.
I am so sorry to intrude into your privacy, I know you will be wondering to know how I manage to know your email address, I saw your profile in the internet when I am looking for a reliable and trustworthy person that I will hand over my fund to, of which I did not want you to say no to my offer, because I have prayed over it and see that it is you that can help me.
I am Mrs. Meizhen Bo Cheng. And I have been suffering from breast cancer disease of which the doctor told me that I have a few days to leave. I am 66 years of Age, I’m from (Lhasa) China but based in Africa, Burkina Faso since eight years ago, as a business woman dealing with gold exportation I have an amount of fund that I want you to get into your account for a project.
Now that I am about to end the race like this without any family members and no child, I decided to let you know that I have 2 Million US DOLLARS in Africa Development Bank (ADB) Burkina Faso, which I instructed the bank to give to St Andrews Missionary Home in Burkina Faso. But my mind is not at rest because, I am writing this letter now through the help of my computer beside my sick bed in the Hospital.
I also have 5.5 Million US Dollars at Bank of Africa here in Burkina Faso and I instructed the bank to transfer the money to the first foreigner that will apply to the bank after I have gone, that they should release the fund to him/her, but you will assure me that you will take 40% of the money and use 60% to build an orphanage home in my names right there in your country for my heart to be at rest. I shall give you the email address of the bank if I received a positive reply from you through this my Private Email address; mrsmeizhenbo.cheng@mu
PLEASE REPLY ME WITH THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS
BELOW FOR MY CONFIRMATION:
1. Full Name:
2.Your age:
3. Sex:
4. Nationality:
5. Country of Residence:
6. Telephone Number:
7.Your marital status;
8. Your occupation;
9. Sand to me your picture;
10. You have to assured me that you will act has I have instructed you if the fund get to your account.
Yours fairly friend,
Madam Mrs. Meizhen Bo Cheng.

...
..
.

.

.

HA what an idiot! I'm going to rip this idiot off... Im taking ALL the money! Screw the orphanage!

 

$3 mil to build an orphanage in the US? Heck, I don't think they even have those here anymore. And $3 mil will not get you very far. And I doubt it would be worth all the aggravation/ hassle needed to get neighborhood approval, permits, etc. just for the $2 mil you get to keep. That 'lady' needs to up her numbers a bit if she is going to spam people here in the US and hope for a taker or two.

 

Why do penguins make good racing drivers? Because they're always in pole position.

Avvit.

 

Settling into his seat at the crowded movie theater, the man noted with surprise that he was seated next to a penguin.

"Is that a penguin?," he asked the woman seated on the other side.

"I believe it is," she replied.

He asked increduously, "What the heck is penguin doing at this movie!?"

The penguin looked looked over at him and said, "Well, I really enojoyed the book. Why are YOU here?"