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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

  1. Edward53 Oct 20, 2016

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    A six year old goes to the hospital with grandma to visit grandpa.
    When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of grandma and bursts into grandpa's room.
    "Grandpa, grandpa,"she says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
    "What?" says grandpa.
    "Make a noise like a frog - because grandma said when you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
     
  2. Edward53 Oct 20, 2016

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    - My wife has left me, she told me she was only going out to get some milk and she never came back.
    - I am so sorry to hear that. How are you coping?
    - Not too bad, thanks. I'm using the powdered stuff, you can hardly tell the difference.

    - She's been missing a week now. The police told me I need to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
     
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  3. Edward53 Oct 20, 2016

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    - I went for my routine check-up today.
    - Gosh, I hope everything's ok?
    - Well it was, until he stuck his finger up my rear end.
    - OK, so none of us like that but we all know it's what they have to do.
    - So are you saying I don't need to change my dentist?
     
  4. ONEWATCH Irony embodied Oct 20, 2016

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    Now I'm hungry for strawberries!!

    Yeah, my apologies too, I was busy running over my tow line.

    Thank You
     
  5. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Oct 20, 2016

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    ::rimshot::
     
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  6. Edward53 Oct 20, 2016

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    My neighbour came round banging on my door at 2.30am. Can you believe it! 2.30 in the morning! Luckily I was still awake playing my drums.
     
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  7. Canuck Oct 26, 2016

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    Courtesy of my Scottish friend:


    -----


    SCOTTISH COW.




    The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
    cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
    so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
    whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull,
    and he was never able to do the deed.The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice."Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
    that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
    "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
    Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
    "My wife is from Scotland"
     
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  8. kkt Oct 26, 2016

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    I saw the play. There's a movie?
     
  9. flw history nerd Oct 26, 2016

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    Yup ... Humphrey Bogart plays Queeg ... one of his greatest roles.
     
  10. GeorgeBailey2 Oct 26, 2016

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    It had been awhile since I have seen it.

    The (relatively) modern day equivalent would be "The Candy Lineup" by George Costanza. "They were ALL Twix!!!"
    <iframe width="560" height="315" src="
    " frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
     
  11. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Oct 27, 2016

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    Q. What's brown and sticky?
    A. A stick!

    Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
    A. An impasta

    Q. How does NASA organize their office party?
    A. They planet

    Q. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
    A. Phillipe Flop

    Q. What do you call a pig who knows karate?
    A. Pork chop

    Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
    A. Ground beef

    Q. What do you call a cow with only two legs?
    A. Lean ground beef
     
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  12. Darlinboy Pratts! Will I B******S!!! Oct 27, 2016

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    The man in front of me stepped up to the Elite Status counter pulling two large suitcases.

    "I'd like to take that one with me on my flight to Chicago," he said, pointing to the the first bag.

    He gestured at the second and continued, "And have my other suitcase flown to Honolulu please, hold it there for two weeks, then send it on to Chicago."

    "I'm sorry sir, we can only transport the bags with you on your flight to Chicago," responded the flustered counter agent.

    "I know that's not true," he said with a frown, "Because that's exactly how you did it on my trip last month."

    ::rimshot::
     
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  13. GeorgeBailey2 Oct 27, 2016

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    Tommy suffered an accident at the age of 5 and lost his left eye. As his family was poor, they could not afford a glass eye and had to settle for a wooden one. Embarrassed, Tommy was home schooled until 8th grade. At that point, his parents knew that they could not teach him as well as the public school and registered him to go there.
    Early that fall, the school had a 9th grade dance and Tommy's parents insisted he go in order to make new friends. He had already met Billy and was hanging around with him, staring awkwardly at the girls across the gym floor as 9th grade boys do. Billy noticed Susan, a very beautiful girl, looking over at Tommy. Billy told him about her. Susan was beautiful but had been born with a harelip. While plastic surgery had corrected most of it, it was still noticeable and Susan was very self-conscious about it and very shy. But she continued to look over at Tommy.
    Billy told Tommy that Susan was checking him out and kept prodding Tommy to go ask her to dance.
    Finally, Tommy mustered the courage and walked over to Susan.
    Slightly stammering, Tommy nervously asked, "I'm Tommy, will you dance with me?
    Susan responded excitedly, "Would I?"
    "Harelip! Harelip!"
    ::rimshot:: You may need to let it sink in for a second.
     
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  14. Hut27 Oct 31, 2016

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    We 3 friends usually meet for a Pint on Sat' mornings, Pete 'phoned and apologised said he'd stay home. He'd woken up with a hard on and didn't want to "waste it"
     
  15. Canuck Nov 2, 2016

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    How many prophylactics does it take to make a tire?............................................. 365 makes a good year!
     
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  16. ulackfocus Nov 2, 2016

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    What's the worst part of getting a new boomerang?

    Trying to throw the old one away.

    ::rimshot::
     
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  17. wsfarrell Nov 3, 2016

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    Some reviews:

    Treat Williams enters his scenes as if he were trying to remember where he left a package.—TV Guide critic

    He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.—John Mason Brown, reviewing “King Lear”

    Angie Dickinson, never a natural, recites her lines as if they were being radioed from a relay station in her hair.—New Yorker critic

    It isn’t clear whether “Baywatch” was helped or hindered by the balloon-smuggling Pamela Anderson Lee.—Unknown critic

    The covers of this book are too far apart.—Ambrose Bierce
     
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  18. Canuck Nov 4, 2016

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    Subject: SHAGGY DOG STORY




    All the old ones are the best!


    As a Butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note inhis mouth, reading, "8 lamb chops, please."
    Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouthand quickly closes the shop.
    >
    He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look bothways and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
    >
    The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
    >
    When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front, looks at the number,then boards the bus.
    >
    The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into thesuburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
    >
    After a while he stands on his back paws, pushes the "stop" bell andgets off. The butcher follows.
    The dog runs up to a house, drops his bag on the steps and barksrepeatedly. No answer.
    >
    He goes back down the path, takes a big run and throws himself,‘whap’, against the door. He does this over and over. No answer.
    >

    So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at awindow, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
    Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
    >
    The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: "What the hell are youdoing? Stop screaming at the dog....he’s a !@#$%ing genius!"
    >
    The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this weekhe's forgotten his key!"
     
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  19. dougiedude Carpe horologium! Nov 4, 2016

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    • Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery.
      unnamed.jpg

      A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
      Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.



      A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."


      "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners.
      As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
     
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  20. ahsposo Most fun screen name at ΩF Nov 12, 2016

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    A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

    There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

    The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

    They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

    Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

    "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"