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Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D
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Canuck
·That reminds me of a time when I was in the retail jewellery business, when a guy came up and asked me if I could exchange two tens for his five!
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time flies
·I'll give you a dime for every quarter you can stand on edge...
have fun
kfw
have fun
kfw
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M'Bob
·
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Darlinboy
··Pratts! Will I B******S!!!A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness in the trial, a prim and grandmotherly older woman. Approaching her at the stand after she had been sworn in, heasked with a friendly smile, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me and to your poor parents. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're some kind of big shot politician but really you haven't the brains or charisma to amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you quite well."
The attorney was rocked back on his heels. Flustered, trying to buy some time, and not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room to the defense table and asked, "Er... and Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me and to his family. He's a lazy bigoted drunk. The man is on his fourth wife - you'd think the most recent one would have gotten a clue but she's not very bright - and can't maintain a normal relationship with anyone. His law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state and I pity the poor defendant who has him as counsel.”
The courtroom was stunned into complete silence. Quickly recovering his composure, the judge rapped his gavel loudly and asked both counselors to approach the bench for a sidebar.
Cutting his microphone, he said a very quiet whisper, but with a menacing look on his face, "If either one of you asks Mrs. Jones if she knows me - I'll hold you in contempt and toss you in jail so fast it'll make your head spin!"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me and to your poor parents. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're some kind of big shot politician but really you haven't the brains or charisma to amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you quite well."
The attorney was rocked back on his heels. Flustered, trying to buy some time, and not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room to the defense table and asked, "Er... and Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me and to his family. He's a lazy bigoted drunk. The man is on his fourth wife - you'd think the most recent one would have gotten a clue but she's not very bright - and can't maintain a normal relationship with anyone. His law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state and I pity the poor defendant who has him as counsel.”
The courtroom was stunned into complete silence. Quickly recovering his composure, the judge rapped his gavel loudly and asked both counselors to approach the bench for a sidebar.
Cutting his microphone, he said a very quiet whisper, but with a menacing look on his face, "If either one of you asks Mrs. Jones if she knows me - I'll hold you in contempt and toss you in jail so fast it'll make your head spin!"
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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marco
·
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Longbow
·
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JimInOz
··Melbourne Australia
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M'Bob
·
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Pun
·A young man went to visit his grandparents and noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa! What are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well son, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandmother's idea."
"Grandpa! What are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well son, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandmother's idea."
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Pun
·Naughty Norbert
Little Norbert was kicked out of Maths class by his teacher. Apparently, "mouthwash" wasn't the right answer for the question " what comes after 69?"
In a job interview with an international NGO fighting for equal rights . Norbert was asked how he views Lesbian relationships ? He was kicked out. Apparently "In Full HD" wasn't the right answer
Teacher:- Complete the sentence. "If my cup is only half full.. Little Norbert :- "Maybe you need a smaller Bra !!
Teacher:- GET OUT!!!
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys? Little Norbert raised his hand and replied, *"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."* The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Little Norbert countered by saying, "That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls."
Seems logical to me also. I don't know why he was thrown out of the class again ........ !!
Poor Norbert!
Little Norbert was kicked out of Maths class by his teacher. Apparently, "mouthwash" wasn't the right answer for the question " what comes after 69?"
In a job interview with an international NGO fighting for equal rights . Norbert was asked how he views Lesbian relationships ? He was kicked out. Apparently "In Full HD" wasn't the right answer
Teacher:- Complete the sentence. "If my cup is only half full.. Little Norbert :- "Maybe you need a smaller Bra !!
Teacher:- GET OUT!!!
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys? Little Norbert raised his hand and replied, *"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."* The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Little Norbert countered by saying, "That's because girls get boobs, and they are heavier than the guys' balls."
Seems logical to me also. I don't know why he was thrown out of the class again ........ !!
Poor Norbert!
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Tony C.
··Ωf Jury member
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M'Bob
·
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M'Bob
·Tired of the on-going Winter chill? You’re in luck…
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Archer
··Omega Qualified Watchmaker
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Alpha
··Kilt Owner, Beagle Parent, Omega Collector
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Longbow
·I haven’t spoken to my wife for almost 20 years. We haven’t fallen out, I just don’t like to interrupt.