The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” Looking puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would I be needing two empty feckin’ glasses?”
I stole this 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
"Never in my life would I imagine that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth. Hic - 'scuse me - is that a covid symptom?"
Said Jack to his wife and son, "A few weeks in isolation with just the family... it'll be great! You'll see..."
In keeping with the Xmas theme...more fun than a fake Santa! And who doesn't love a good Xmas song...
Serious talk for a moment if I may.. Germany got a lot of praise for its initial response to the pandemic - with broad testing and contact tracing. From the latest data though, it looks as though they will not be able to avoid a serious second wave of infections. In some quarters people are already beginning to panic - stocking up on sausage and cheese, along with other staples. It's a becoming wurst käse scenario.
Lady: “Mr Bond I like your watch” Bond: “With this watch I can see that you are not wearing underwear” Lady: “But I AM wearing underwear” Bond: “This watch is one hour early”
At a Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said: “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for more than five hours. It turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom. “Now, thank the Lord,” she announced in a quavering voice, “after six weeks Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said: “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”