At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. “My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. “I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another. “I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third. “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed. “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. “Thank God we can all still drive,” said one woman cheerfully.
Q, Is google male or female. A, Female , because it won’t let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
I am still looking for the box set of this version..... Sexy Star Trek (IT Crowd). I like the deft attachment of the final side ear.... no final front ear... . .
I got up this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my bedside table I don’t know what to make of it
A White Horse walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. Barman says 'we sell a brand of whisky named after you'. 'Eric?' says the horse.
A couple have a terrible row one morning. Stanley storms out of the house slamming the door as he leaves for work. During the day he becomes remorseful so on the way home he buys his wife, Mary, a dozen red roses. Coming into the house he hands them to her and apologises for shouting at her. Mary looks him in the eye, smiles, and leads him upstairs to the bedroom. She takes off all her clothes and lies on the bed, legs apart, ready to receive, so to speak. “This is for the beautiful roses”, she tells Stanley, to which he replies: “What? Don’t you have a vase?”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This was disappointing, It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I feel.”
Bill and Fred are sat on their usual bench in the park talking old times. Bill says 'do you think they play football in heaven?' Fred replies 'Don't know, but the first one their should come back and tell the other?' It's a deal says Bill. 2 days later Fred died. Next day Bill is sitting in the usual place alone in the park and hears a familiar voice 'hi Bill this is Fred, do remember the our deal?' 'Yes I do.' 'Well, there's good news and bad news. Good news is they do play football in Heaven, Bad news is your tomorrows Referee.'