Tell me a joke! The OF humor thread :-D

Apa · Dec 7, 2015

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

Canuck · Dec 7, 2015

I asked our son what he wanted for Christmas last year. He said "I wanna watch!" So we let him!

Pvt-Public · Dec 10, 2015

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him.........But they kind of taste like peppermint.

Pvt-Public · Dec 11, 2015

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses??
Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally?
Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a New

Truck!

Pvt-Public · Dec 16, 2015

The IRS has returned the Tax Return from a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question; "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"
The man wrote:

9.5 million illegal immigrants

1.1 million crackheads,

3.4 million unemployable scroungers,
80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons
650 idiots in Washington and the entire group that call themselves Politicians."

The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back was, "Who did I leave out?"

ONEWATCH · Dec 19, 2015

An elderly lady lives in a nursing home. Every two or three days, her boyfriend will pay her visit for the night. One week he never shows up. The next day she finds him and he says maybe next week. Next week come and goes and no boyfriend. She asks around and finds that he has been going to a different room. That night she goes to that room, opens the door and finds him in bed with another women. She sobbingly cries out how could he do this to her. What could she possibly have that I don't?

He pauses and says "Parkinson's"

Huus · Dec 20, 2015

Two blondes sit on a park bench. It is night and one of those big full moons is out there. They watch it in amazement. One blond turns to the other and asks "what do you think is closer, Melbourne or the moon?". "Helloooo" answers the other "can you see Melbourne?"

ONEWATCH · Dec 20, 2015

A blond walks into a beauty shop and asks for a cut. She is directed to a stylist and sits down. The blond is wearing a set of head phones and the stylist tries to remove them. The blond insists that she has to keep them on. The stylist cuts her hair and the blond is very pleased and says she will come back again. A few months later she returns and asks for the same stylist. This time the stylist just grabs the head phones and removes them. The blond gasps twice and falls out off the chair dead. The stylist picks up and put on the head phones. "Breath in, breath out, breath in."

ONEWATCH · Dec 20, 2015

A gentleman pulls in to get gas just of the strip in Vegas. As he is pumping the gas he notices a blond at the Coke machine. She is putting a dollar bill in the machine, pushing a button and when the Coke falls out she squeals with delight. After he has paid for the gas he notices she is still there and has a stack of 30 or so Coke cans stacked up. He walks over and asks her what she is doing. She replies "Well duh, winning!"

dougiedude · Dec 20, 2015

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.
To hide her embarrassment the young mother turns and says to her kids and their friends, "My, what a big insect!"
To which "Little Johnny" says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

SirMaximilian · Dec 21, 2015

Why did the little yellow rubber duck have to get admitted to rehab? It was a quack addict.

STANDY · Jan 4, 2016

yinzerniner · Jan 4, 2016

Franco is sitting on a bench with his nephew Gio, overlooking a small coastal Italian village.
"Gio, you see all those roads..." Franco calls out; " I built all those roads where people drive their cars. I flattened the earth, laid the asphalt and painted the lines. And do they call me Franco, the Road Builder? No."
Gio nods in agreement, and Franco goes on.
"Gio, you see all those vineyards off in the distance? I planted all the seeds and tilled the land. I picked the grapes and killed the insects. Yet do they call me Franco, the Grape Grower? No."
Gio once again nods his head, and listens to his uncle once again.
"But Gio, you fυck ONE SHEEP......"

Canuck · Jan 4, 2016

Salvatore and Gina marry. Circumstances were such that they moved into the upstairs suite in Gina's mother' home. Comes the nuptial night and the young couple is preparing to retire. Sal takes off his shirt. His torso is thickly covered with black hair. Gina is frightened at the sight, so she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Gino's back and chest are covered with black hair". Mama says, " that'sa okay girl. You go back upastairs and be a gooda wife for your husband!" Gina goes back upstairs. Sal has taken his trousers off and is sitting on the edge of the bed. His lega are covered with black hair. Gina is shocked. She runs back downstairs and says, "mama mama, Sal hasa blacka hair all over his legs!" Mama says, that'sa okay girl. You go back upastairs and be a good wife for your husband!" Gina goes back upstairs to find Sal has his socks off, and he's missing three toes on one foot. Gina is shocked! She runs downstairs end says,"mama mama, Sal only has one and one-half feet," Mama says, "you go outside and play now girl. Thisa joba for mama"!

Darlinboy · Jan 5, 2016

A mathematician, a theoretical economist, and a bloviating amateur econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off. The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital. The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy. The bloviating amateur econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spends one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exits and shouts from inside the room that he has caught it by the neck."

Canuck · Jan 5, 2016

The constipated mathematician had a problem for which he tried every solution he could think of. Computer programs, reading about his problem on the Internet in hopes of finding a solution! He finally worked it out with a pencil!😉

peatnick · Jan 5, 2016

A man boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of frozen soft shell crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a VIP and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in Miami she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

Huus · Jan 15, 2016

Wife to the husband " darl, I'd like to go see a plastic surgeon about getting my boobs enlarged, I think they're to small, what do you think?".
Husband to the wife "luv, a surgeon is gonna cost an awfull lot of money, why don't you just try rubbing them with toilet paper?"
Wifey "what good is rubbing them with toilet paper going to do ?"
"Well" said the old man, "it worked on your bum"

dougiedude · Jan 17, 2016

Good News!

"Understanding Women" is now available in paperback:

STANDY · Jan 17, 2016

@dougiedude are these the paperbacks your referring to, as have been around for years