Puns for Educated Minds 1.. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2.. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5.. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6.. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7.. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9.. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head." 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass". 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrion allowed per passenger." 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies,"Yes, I'm positive." 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Luigi and Josephina were married. Tradition meant the young couple would live in an upstairs suite at Josephina’s mother’s home. Come the nuptials. Luigi and Josephine know little about each other. Luigi takes off his shirt, exposing a bountiful crop of black hair. Josephina is shocked, so she runs downstairs. Mama, mama, Luigi gotta black hair all over his chest. Mama tells her it’s okay, and to go back upstairs and be a good wife for Luigi. Josephina goes back upstairs to find Luigi with his trousers off, sitting on the edge of the bed. He has black hair all over his legs. Josephina runs back downstairs and says, Momma, momma, Luigi he’s gotta blacka hair all over his legs. Momma says, it’s okay Josephina, go back up a stairs and be a good wife to Luigi. Josephina goes back upstairs to find Luigi with his socks off, and he’s missing some toes on one foot. Josephina runs back downstairs and says, Momma, momma, Luigi’s only got a foot and a half. Momma says, it’s okay Josephina, you go outside and play now, girl. Thisa joba for momma!
I guess there have been plenty of double-ups after 128 pages, so apologies in advance..... I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing a woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over and punched him. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Why should you always have a watch when walking across the desert? Because it has a spring in it. (My granddaughter liked it.)
Or the constipated mathematician who worked it out with a pencil. ____________________________________________________________ or the hillbilly couple who got married in a bath tub because they wanted a double ring ceremony. ____________________________________________________________ or the definition of air pollution. A brigade of ISIS paratroopers.
“Dad, I got my smarts from you, didn’t I?” - “That’s right my clever boy!” - “Yup, thought so, mom still has hers.”
A girl yells at her boyfriend, “That’s it, Henry, we’re through!” - “What? You want to break up? Why?” - “I’m sick of you constantly laughing at my weight!” - “Ah darling, please, don’t be like that! Come here, grab these two chairs for yourself, let’s sit down and talk it out.”
I apologise for my gross typographical error, I have had a stern chat with my left hand ring finger and advised him not to do it again lest he be relegated to other duties such as bum scratching and nose picking.
A woman tells her husband: honey I was hit from behind in the road. Husband: Really? how bad was it? Woman: just a little kiss.