I used to make clown's shoes for a living..that was no small feat I can tell ya!..... Then I sold single onions..'til I got the sack. ...Good news for agoraphobics, the cure is just around the corner!....My father doesn't like me very much, he took me fishing once, I remember swimming back to shore thinking 'My father doesn't like me very much'.

 

What do you call someone riding across the desert on a camel backwards?
Lawrence of Ireland.
Why are camels sometimes called "ships of the desert"?
Because they are full of Arab semen.
Sorry.

 

Bob and Mary are a young rural couple just married. They pool what little money they have and borrow the rest to buy a farm. Things are tough but they manage to get the first crop in and Bob is out harvesting when the old combine jams up. He shuts it off and gets down to fix it. He sees the problem is a belt that is wedged in among some sheaves. He grabs the belt and tugs as hard as he can. The belt comes lose and the combine jerks forward crushing him on the spot. Mary is devastated. The neighbors all come over and get the crops off for her. During the winter she meets with her Dad, Father in law, preacher and banker. They try and convince her she should at least get a hired hand to help out. She flatly says no and that she will farm the land all by herself in the memory of Bob. That spring she is out planting when the tractor breaks down. The neighbors come over and get the crops in the ground. That fall, same thing, the combine breaks down and the neighbors come over again to help her out. That winter they have the same meeting again. This time they point out that all of her equipment is broken down, the fences are down, the barn door is falling off. She relents and they hire a farm hand from the next town and fix up a room for him in the barn. He starts the first of the year and gets the planting equipment running and gets the crop in the ground. Later that summer on a Saturday night she is looking out at the farm from her front porch. All the equipment is repaired and painted and sitting in the sheds. The fences are fixed and the barn is repaired and painted. The crops have never looked better. Now, on Saturday nights the farmer worker is allowed to take the pick up into town for some relaxation. She starts wondering why he has never made a friendly move in her direction. This night she decides to wait up for him. She sees the truck pull into the lane and steps out on the porch. He gets out of the truck and she asks him to step into the house. They are standing there looking at each other when she says, “I want you to do me a favor.” “Yes mam” he replies. “I want you to take by blouse off, please.” He is only too eager to comply. “Now my skirt” and he does. “Now my bra and panties if you would.” They are standing there looking at each other when she says, “I don’t mind you going to town on Saturday, and I don’t mind you taking the pick up, but next time you go to town, wear your own clothes.”

These are what are called "Shaggy Dog" jokes.

 

Some postal jokes.

Ever since the Post Office has come out with the Ronald Reagan Forever stamp, they will never tell you they lost your mail. They just tell you they don't remember where they put it.

Every Christmas season the Post office brings back the Hillary Clinton stamp. They call it the Nutcracker.

 

Q: Why did the scientist drop a watch into his beaker?
A: He was looking for a timely solution.

Q: What does a wall clock do after it stops ticking?
A: It just hangs around.

 

This joke is over 40 years old. It is totally politically incorrect. It is very dated but does contain a watch reference.

John is a traveling salesman. One very hot summer day his car breaks down at the intersection of corn and bean out in the Midwest. It is 92 degrees when he gets out and starts walking to the nearest town. After five miles he spots a bar and walks in, sits down and pleads for a cold draft beer. The barkeep comes over and says, “Never been here before have you?” John explains his situation and asks for the beer again. The barkeep states “This is a gay bar and the rules are that you have to tell us the name of your penis before you can be served.” John is very perplexed and finally asks the barkeep “What do you call yours?” Barkeep replies, “Timex, because it take a licking and keeps on ticking.” The barkeep walks away and John is sitting there wondering what he has gotten himself into. Finally he points to another customer and asks “What does he call his?” “Oh, he calls his chevy truck because it is as tough as a rock.” John is sitting there thinking when he calls over the barkeep. “Got a name yet?” “Sure do, I will call it Secret.” “What kind of a dumb name is that for a penis” says the barkeep. “Well, it’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman.”

 

How many press ups can Chuck Norris do?
.
All of them.

I hate Russian dolls...
...they're so full of themselves.

 

LOL

 

I knew before I posted the joke that it would get no likes. It was way to politically incorrect and you have to be at least almost retired to get the references to the ads. Sorry if it offended anyone but I did warn you.

 

I certainly wasn't offended. We are pretty open to all sorts of stuff here

 

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.


A blind man walks into a bar.....
and a chair, and a table.



Why don't you ever see a hippo hiding in a tree?


Because they're really good at it.

 

My best for last.
A Panda Bear walks into a bar. The greeter seats him and the waitress comes over in a while to get his order. The Panda Bear states, “I have heard that you have the very best Bamboo Shoots Salad in the whole state.” The waitress says, “That is correct. I will bring you one right away. Would you like anything else with that?” “Oh, just a glass of water and the time to savor the salad.” A few minutes later the waitress brings the Panda Bear his salad and goes behind the bar to watch him thoroughly enjoy his meal. After he is done the waitress takes him the check and asks, “Is there anything else I can get for you?” The Panda Bear replies, “No, everything was delicious.” With that he leans back in his chair and gives a great big sigh, reaches into his coat and pulls out a gun. He then fires two shots into the floor and gets up to leave. The owner comes over yelling and screaming at the Panda Bear. The Panda Bear asks the owner, “Do you know what I am?” The owner replies, “Yes I do.” The Panda Bear says, “Look it up” and walks out the door. The owner is confused but with the Panda Bear having a gun he just walks into his office and gets his dictionary. He looks up Panda Bear and the definition is, “A large marsupial type bear indigenous to China. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.”

 

Variation of the one I heard. Same bear, but different circumstance. For the sake of brevity, here are the key components: the panda hires a prostitue, performs oral sex on her, and prepares to depart without paying. Definition: "...EATS BUSH AND LEAVES."

 

Yuck!

 

Another variation.... "eats Bushes and leaves.

 

A dyslexic is on a skiing holiday and, at the top of the mountain, turns to his mate and says "Alright then Dave, time to zag zig down this mountain"

His mate says "The term is zig zag, not zag zig" and they proceed to argue over the correct term until a guy with a sled arrives.

The dyslexic says to the guy with the sled "Excuse me mate, we're about to ski down the mountain. Is it zag zig or zig zag?" and the guy with the sled says "Sorry, I wouldn't know, I'm a tobogganist"

The dyslexic says "Oh great, I'll have a carton of Marlboro then please"

 

A National Geographic reporter hears tales of an aged Apache couple that have lived their whole married life by the old ways. He goes down to Arizona and after a three month search he finds them living in a sheltered canyon in the back country. Two Moons greets the reporter and agrees to answer his questions. “How old are you?” “I’m 106.” “How long have you lived like this?” We have lived this way for 82 years which is how long we have been married.” “How do you survive?” “We grow all our own crops, raise or hunt our meat and make all our own clothing and shelter.” “How old is your wife?” “She is only 102 years old.” “And what is her name?” “Her name is Three Horses.” “That is an interesting name for a squaw. What does it mean in English?” “Nag, Nag, Nag” replies Two Moons.

 

Not a joke, but a picture of the Pope with ...

Well who do you think?

 

Batman?