I like these stories. They make me feel much better about myself. Keep them coming.

 

Your problem is with your wife, not your BIL (an abbreviation I've never seen before). As long as she feels 'sorry' for him he isn't leaving. Most women don't like to entertain freeloaders, brother or otherwise. You need a serious talk with the wifey to find out what's driving her and what her plan is to get the brother up on his feet and out of the house, or is she content to let him live permanently in your house?

 

My take is that you all need some external help: you and your wife need some therapy to keep an even keel, the BIL needs therapy too (anyone who mocks a person with a disability has a problem), and you might also go to therapy yourself as a preventative measure--it's kind of like brushing and flossing, just a way of keeping your head clean of too many emotions.

Also, you might ask your doctor for a prescription that says: "Tens days fishing." It's really good medicine, and less expensive than lawyers.

 

Kick your wife out, more than likely BIL will go with her.

 

Personally I would have thrown him out on the curb with the trash.

Seriously though, You and your Wife's inactivity is essentially telling your BIL that whatever he's doing is just fine. He knows he has a good thing going and isn't hesitating to sponge off you.

The Wife's defence of her Brother is expected, but 3 years is just insane. As others have said it would be in your families best interest to put your foot down.

Don't put all the blame on your Wife, she's probably thinking similarly to you but can't bring herself to act against her Brother. It's up to you to put things into motion.

 

Brother in Law

 

Good News
I just finished talking to my wife. I told her your brother has to go. We talked it over she agrees. She asked if she could give him some time to find a place. I agreed to 30 days tops. With no excuses or BS involved.

When it comes to family and friends my wife is a very kind and considerate person. She has a heart of gold. Only reason I have put up with her brother. About ten years ago when my mom was going downhill from cancer. I was not retired then and my wife took my mom everywhere.

Doctors’ appointments, running errands etc. When my mom was getting close to the end she stayed with my wife and I. I figured payback was in order. I Let my wife take care of her family.

My wife has no issues with me about her brother. She agreed with me that he has to go. She asked to give him thirty days to get his affairs in order and find a place. I can live with that. I told her no BS at the end of 30 days or sooner he better he will be gone. Or I will intervene and kick him out.

My wife’s older sister stopped by this morning. They are both going to take their brother out for dinner and break the news to him. Up to thirty days and hit the road. He has a lot of household items stored in my basement. I told my wife at the end of 30 days his stuff goes with him or I will make a call to a local charity and donate all his stuff.

 

Brother In law

 

In our home, our rule is no family members can spend the the night. You could probably guess how this rule was created. I repeat this when family visits.

To the OP, glad you worked it out.

 

I would never put up with that garbage. BIL has to go. My biggest issue is that my MIL & FIL want to show up for a free vacation and just hang around the house with nothing to do. They want us to chauffeur them around and entertain them. They do not offer to pay for anything. I put a 3-day limit on visits which pisses them off. They have money and go on month-long cruises sometimes. My wife thinks the same way about them as I do though.

BTW, how come one of them is hard-of-hearing, never wears his hearing aid so he is always asking you to repeat things, yet always complains that the movie or music is too loud? That is a riddle that I cannot solve.

 

Being firm about this is critical...but will be exhausting for the next 30 days.

Keep in mind your BIL won't want to leave. In fact, even if he agrees, he will still do everything he can to interfere with the decision, subversively and passive aggressively.

He may even try to be a nice guy for a while...anyone can for 30days.

DON'T FALL FOR IT.

Rest assured old habits will return if you change your mind.

STAND FIRM AND STAY UNITED.

BTW, an ugly issue, but secure your valuables until he leaves. If he has no money he will find a way to get some. He may even goad you into a fight to get money or even sue you. Trust me, anything is possible when you put someone's back against the wall.

Basically, to protect yourself and family...plan for the worst, and be delighted if he leaves willingly.

 

The guy with turrets syndrome is a vet and also has PTSD. The guy that owns the pub is a vet some of the managers are vets. Plus, some of the clientele are vets the pub usually will serve him two or three pints and cut him off. I imagine alcohol and his meds do not mix well.

If the guy happens to get too jacked up the bar will either call his daughter to pick him up. Or someone will give the guy a ride home. For some unknown reason to me my brother in law does not like the guy go figure? Over a polite simple introduction my brother in law is breaking bad with me telling me he’s going to punch me in the face. to me that’s insane.

I’m a fairly easy-going person but someone is jumping in my face for no good reason. Now we have a problem. I actually laughed in his face my reply was bring it don’t sing it. I really regret not knocking him on his ass. I’m sure in the near future that may happen. My brother in law is not playing with a full deck. It’s like playing with a deck full of jokers.

 

Old Yiddish saying...

"Houseguests, like fish, begin to smell after three days"

 

How much rent has the BIL been paying you? If zero, that was the start of the problem...

I agree with some people above who cap visits at 3 or so days. Sadly my wife is from a culture where month-long visits are the norm -- it is not visiting, it is freaking going to live there... I just don't get it, especially when travel o/ from is only a single 9 hour airplane flight -- it's not like it is a two month journey each way. The past 3 years it has been my wife taking our young son to visit her parents; the first time it was for over a month. I kept requesting a shortening of the visits, as I miss a lot of time watching my son grow up. They just left this past week for a visit; it is down to three weeks now. But it is a one-way street -- no way do I want her mom visiting and staying at my house that long. We have to entertain her, alter our daily routine, etc., and then she complains she feels like a prisoner (she doesn't speak much English and we live in the suburbs, so she mainly sits on a computer reading news sites all day).

 

One thing I can say about my brother in law he is not a thief. I made a big mistake about a year ago. I kicked him out the next evening he came back to my home crying actually in tears with my wife. I should have stood my ground and told him bye bye. You are correct about desperate people take desperate measures.

 

He pays nothing no rent no food etc. All on my dime. He's not stupid he has freeloading down to a science. He is actually working now so it's a great time for him to leave.

 

Yeah, that is always the start. I am a big believer in charging rent so they have motivation to at least head to McDonald's and get a paying job. With no financial obligation they will freely soak up as much as they can get.

 

Bear in mind that, in most jurisdictions, once you charge rent, your BIL suddenly has renter’s rights and a formal eviction process may be legally required, which can take months.

This is the reason I’ve never charged any of my adult children rent when they’ve come back home to ‘regroup’.

 

With all due respect, you don't really know that.

My in-laws used to come to visit (used to), even house sit when we had pets. Every once in a while we'd see something amiss...hmm that's strange we thought. This went on for years. Then I started looking into it, then I suspected, then I set traps. Bam, my nice mild mannered in-laws where not who they seemed to be. I've known them for 30yrs and now I knew something different. They went through our bedrooms, personal files, file cabinets, checkbooks, everything...all while we were out of the house. It came to a head when my mother-in-law asked why the doors to OUR bedroom and office were locked. I told her, and that was it.

Trust me, you just don't know.

 

[speaking for all of us]