Sitting here in bed and thinking of all the time and special moments I’ve lost out on with my kids due to my ex-wife leaving me for another man.

Happened years 7 years ago but it still haunts me at times.

Divorce sucks and yes life moves on but I constantly wonder how many memories never happened because of poor decisions. How many times I missed out on playing catch with my son, laughing with my daughter, seeing their artwork from school, having dinner conversations about how their day went. Holidays are never quite the same...ever.

My kids are now 12 and 13 and have adjusted well but every time I see a happy, loving, supportive family that has stayed together I think “why not me”.

Sitting in a quiet empty house can play with your head at times. If your kids are home with you enjoy your time. Because it can go in a flash.

 

I am not intending to make light of your situation... I can totally empathise. A bit of levity might help though...

Gene Simmons is fond of saying that "marriage is the leading cause of divorce".



ultimately, things happen for a reason. though there may be some missed memories, you still can relish the time you have with your kids. Don't let a moment go to waste.

 

My wife left me, and our boys, seven years ago as well. The boys stayed with me, so my situation isn't the same ... but the divorce was entirely her idea, not mine, so I know where you're coming from in that regard. We're both remarried now, and my older son is 22 and out of college, living several states away. The younger one is 15, and splits his time between me and his mother.

I guess what I'd try to do in your case would be to call your kids regularly, each night if possible, even if only for five minutes - to ask about their day, their homework, and so forth. (Assuming that your divorce arrangement allows it.) That can make the time you spend with them more meaningful in terms of not having to get caught up on how their routine is going.

Good luck, my friend. The world can be a painful place, but we never know what hand of cards we'll be dealt.

 

So sorry to hear about that. I'm not in the same situation, but my life has left me abundant opportunity to spend my time dwelling on past memories. Even though some of those memories are my favorite things, the more time I spend dwelling on them the more they keep me from making new ones. Focus on what makes the future better. Best of luck friend.

 

Same story here, 8 years ago with only school hols contact with my 14 year-old.

Went through all the same self pity crap until one day my (bi-lingual) daughter said: Daaaad, Divorced sounds like “die Wurst” (the sausage in German); so what exactly does Mum mean when she says she is die Wurst?

Brings a smile to my face whenever I think of it. So, when you are divorced


...you can be whoever you want to be...enjoy your freedom and quit thinking about shit you can’t change.

 

Your kids will always be your kids and 10 to 1 says they remember good moments that you dont. It's easy for us to get caught up in the dark areas and beat ourselves up, however the toughest thing is finding a way forward. I often sit in bed at 3:30 am and think about the past (I was doing it last night), but what got me back to sleep was deciding on a way forward. Is it the best way forward? I dont know, but it got me off my butt this morning and moving forward.

Talk to them about it (yeah, I know, easier said then done), but if you dont say anything about it, they wont know how much you actually care. Make a plan, execute against that plan, talk to them, adjust, go back at it. Good luck sir - let them know you care and that you'll always be there for them.

 

The bad shit that has happened to me in my life is the stuff that made me who I am. The bad stuff is what I learned from and grew from.

The great stuff that has happened to me in my life was just the great stuff. I rarely learn anything or grow from good stuff happening to me.

So, I’ve learned not just to accept the bad stuff but to recognize that, beyond bad stuff being inevitable, bad stuff can be an opportunity and even a gift sometimes. Keeping this in mind has eased my pain a little.

I’ve not been in your situation, but I’ve been in some pretty bad shit storms myself. Best of luck and stay strong.

Anyone can leave a bag of dog shit by your front door. Only you can bring it into your house.

Bob

 

Don't forget how lucky you are to have kids.

 

Needless to say divorce is generally one of the most painful processes one can endure and made even more painful when children are involved. It’s a life altering process emotionally and financially. Unfortunately many times the decision to separate comes from one spouse and the other finds themself scrambling to adjust to the fait accompli.
Makes one wonder how often we’d see divorces based on “irreconcilable differences” if marriage remained solely a religious affair without state involvement. In the meantime I wonder which lucky bastard is wearing my rose gold PML (photo from internet).

PS you can keep her but give me my watch back.

 

How often do you get to see your kids? Although I'm not in your same situation, I have four kids. And I know I would want to see them and be involved with them as much as possible. And I would try to make every moment with them count. Let them know you love them. Let them know you care about them. That's really all you can do.

And two other points:

1. You may be missing some memory-making moments, but you'll have new, different memory-making opportunities. Take those opportunities when you can.

2. The appearance of a "happy, loving, supportive family" doesn't necessarily mean much. Everyone is struggling with their own issues no matter how happy they might appear. Example: I've been happily married to my wife for 21 years. We have four really great boys ages 11, 15, 17, 19. We've traveled the world together. We love each other. But my 17-year-old recently told me I'm a terrible parent (he said things the moderators here would frown upon, so I will not go into details). He was upset about some stuff going on with school and a breakup with his girlfriend. Fairly typical teenager stuff. He said that awful stuff to me about a month ago, and it's a memory I'd rather not have. I realize he's just 17 and he won't have a fully-developed frontal cortex until he's around 25 (teenagers seem to be by design) so I know it's temporary and based on emotions in the moment. But still. Not everything is always rosy even in a "happy" family.

Anyway, good luck to you. I hope you can find a way to be at peace with your situation, and to make the most of your relationship with your kids.

 

I hope you get to see your kids at times, at least. Make the most of the times you have. So much of time at home is just getting the basics done, meals, homework, bedtime, getting ready for school. Try to make their times with you actively enjoying each other's company.

 

I think the range of responses have been well-covered here, I hope some or all of them help in some way.

I would just add that it was courageous of you to post this, and sometimes, the pressure of making lemonade out of lemons isn't much of a help. There are just some extremely difficult experiences in life, some you get nothing more from than pain. And you don't get over them, you carry them like scar tissue, every waking hour, and sometimes in your dreams. I've been there, still am, and I feel for you, even if I can't be of much help.

 

Sharing this is a courageous act. Such acts are a mark of Character.

It's your strength of character you children will remember the most.

"He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how." - Nietzsche.

 

I definitely agree,

Its a truly life altering decision to divorce, you are truly brave to share with us what many do not have the guts to share.

I can actually speak as a person who's been affected by divorce; I was 4 when my parents divorced due to pressure from my Father's family. It was a mutual decision and now they're both remarried to other people and things are fine. They're happy.

I do sometimes think about how my life would be if my parents didn't divorce however. But I know it was for the best.

Obviously divorce isn't ideal, but it's better for it to happen at a younger age for the children in my opinion as it allows them to acclimate easier. The later it happens in the children's lives the worse the impact can be, especially during their teenage years.

One silver lining is the fact that your kids now know what divorce can do to a family, so they'll make much better choices in the future regarding marriage partners.

My advice is to be proactive and get involved in your children's lives. As someone mentioned they are still your kids and they'll look up to you.

Don't let them down.

 

Losing the wife is one thing, but losing the kids is just careless.

In all seriousness, I hope you get things sorted out and remember this is the low point and it's uphill from here and time will heal.

 

Bro bro,,, youve got balls of steel for broaching this difficult subject. Every single bit of objective review of this subject matter concludes that it's not a great time in history to be a middle age xxxxx male.

Adminstrative law judges absolutely crush men in these kangaroo courts they run. They hate men.

Men: protect yourself from the Leviathan. If you're a 3 or 4, you had no business swimming in the deep end of the pool. Women love attention and adoration. There is literally not enough worshiping which can be heaped upon a woman. It's hard work keeping a hottie in check when all they hear all day is praise from other men. And, you know exactly what I mean.

Anyway, I don't want to keep speeding up on the curves. Too dangerous.

A final thought: kids are a lot more intuitive and smarter than we realize. They know if you're being honest with them or not.
In the end, that's all that matters.

 

I might add, do not badmouth your ex where the kids might hear, no matter how much you think she might deserve it. Don't put the kids in the middle. It's normal for the kids to still look up to both of you, at least until their teens They'll draw their own conclusions eventually.

 

My mother left my father when I was 5.

He lived as close to us as he could and rode his motorcycle by our house every day for a visit.

He swallowed his pride and settled for a friendship with her for his kid’s sake and I’m thankful for that.

 

Thanks to all who responded with thoughtful advice, quotes, and humor.

I have stayed as involved as I can with my kids. I coach my sons sports teams, occasionally drop by school to have lunch with my daughter and make myself available when they need me. I always reassure them that I will always love them no matter what. Unconditional love.

Many bitter pills to swallow on this subject. I have to pay $1800 a month in child support. It wouldn’t bother me if-
1. Money was documented going to kids
2. Anything left over should go into their college fund.
3. She would recognize the money I give her and let the kids know I helped pay for their new cleats, footballs, cheerleading outfits, etc.

The man she left me for is an orthopedic surgeon. Makes ridiculous money. They have a child together now ( that part doesn’t bother me..it’s an innocent child) which she used to raise my child support when I went in to have it readjusted. The state recognized their child as a dependent even though it’s not mine. Life is not fair....but I choose to be happy.

This is why I got into watches. I wanted to hand off some heirlooms when I’m no longer around. Something they could wear and remember me by. Vintage Speedmasters fit the bill and now in the last year have purchased a 220 and a 68 Trans. The historical perspective of the watches lured me to them with Space Exploration. How these astronauts risked their lives for the betterment of the human race is commendable. Remember- your hind end was literally strapped to a missle with 1960s technology. If you ever driven a car from the 60’s you’ll understand.

“Time” is something you give to remember the good times and learn from the bad.

 

@1972Steve - I don’t know your jurisdiction’s law but is it possible to petition the court to reduce your child support payments considering your ex-spouse’s newly discovered wealth? Whatever child support payments you save on can go toward a fund that you know will be dedicated to your children.